Another season

Winter is here. Another season starting. Its bit late but still it has arrived.. That does matter right.. though late it came...What if it never came..nothing! we will just go on saying .oh this year it didn't come..maybe some research on it..some reason found.. anyways ..if it comes we welcome it...

With the change of season I might like to believe I too have changed a bit. I have forgiven myself. I understood ,truth cannot be withheld for long. It nags you so much that it has to be out. I had to say it. Anyways I think its the end of that episode.. time to move on.

2009 is almost over. How was it with me? What all happened? At this juncture I can only say I made peace with myself and that's a great achievement. This year I have taken one step towards my dream.

But still I have not convinced myself whether my dream is worth pursuing. My dream is to get a job settle down in kerala. This relocating...is it worth? will kids adjust? how will it affect my family life? Is any job worth sacrificing the happiness I enjoy now. Should I stir the calm ? I have no idea. My only solace is its not up to me to decide. The job I need involves several exams.. and is tough. So lazy me doesn't have much chance of getting thru. The fact remains that even if I get thru or not I will be happy that I attempted to write the exam.

Four years now I am working in my office. I have not worked anywhere before.I was so happy to join here. Felt the atmosphere was so new. So different. Thought with years I will be one of them. Will feel as if I belonged. But everyday reminds me this is not my place... still feel like a stranger. I feel as if I lost my way and came here to spend some time. The urge to go back is always there. I dream.. of future.... how one day I will be telling stories of this office as if it happened long back. The people I work with, the company I keep..still I regard them as characters in my story. However much I try I cant seem to fit in. But then it reminds me...i always had this misfit feeling as if i was about to go somewhere else..waiting for something to happen..never living in present ..

May be its some inherent fault in me never able to feel that i belonged. But I have to say the only time I felt belonged was with my spouse.

Now this relocating.. this fulfillment of dream means I will be moving away from family.....


So now let me wander around family for a while..I am not making jugments nor am I going to write my opinions let me try to write as my thoughts come tome

Once mariied and kids is it wrong to step out of the circle and work?

does the family constantly need you?
can they survive your absense?
will your kids go wayward coz you are not with them?
will the children understand why you want to relocate as there is no financial benefit?
Will they understand the need for individuality?
Will they understand the need to fulfill a dream?
hmm its all questions..i am not able to search for answers

Is it true that we dont know what we want? and you dont know what you want but know that fact?? I wonder..