Silence

This time back home I wanted to break the self imposed silence with my best friends. Circumstances forced me to observe that silence. Walking away from them without an explanation, never turning that side to see how they are feeling almost ten years passed by, All these ten years every single day i hoped they will forgive me, they will understand I was frightened. I thought i can go back any moment I wanted. It took me ten years to realize there was nothing to be frightened. There was nothing wrong or right. Age always have its way. I numbed myself not to think of their pain. How they must have felt. Absorbed in myself thinking my love would sustain the friendship I lived ten years. This time I forgave myself and muttered the courage to call them. Their response was a shock to me. No one was surprised at hearing my voice. They just asked me. "YES" “why did you call?" Have anything to say" We are busy" I didn’t know how to proceed. I didn’t know where to break in and apologize. I tried to ignore the long years of silence and talk normal. But I was served my own medicine. They all treated me as if they don’t want me anymore. As if they can’t be again bothered with me. As if I am a pest. I was shocked. I know the whole excitement of going home was my decision to reconnect. I was thrilled. But the response...in a way I felt happy. I was served my punishment. The long hiding is over. I got what I deserved. May be lesser.

I wish another ten years they might forgive me. Maybe we can be friends again. All those that had grown in between and over the friendship can be weeded out maybe one day i will be forgiven..

Kerala

I have never known how it is to feel to go back home. Though I travel every year home to my native place kerala I was always in the flow .Never missing anything .Happy to be here or there. Maybe i never felt away from home.

Cannot pin point what was so different this time. I felt like i was going back to my home after a long time. Going back to where i belonged.Every twist of green made me so happy. And my god how many shades of green!!. Sitting in the car i watched the people go by busy with their daily routines. simple,dark, colourfully dressed people.ladies not heavily ducked in make ups, kids busy to catch their bus, everyone on the move like busy ants. I noticed that every where it was full of life. from the various tiny creatures whose names i don't know to the old grandmother were bursting with life doing one thing or another. First time i realised how beautiful my people were.adorned in simplicity and innocence. I recollected the Malayalam poems i have studied, the beauty the poets have described. I understood what it was all about. I have travelled a bit and seen few countries. But it was with kerala that I fell in love. Though i always liked my place it was now i realised how much i am in love.

The smell of jasmine, the sound of parrots, the sky with so many clouds, the unexpected rain, the bright cheerful sun, the trees swaying slightly, the freshness of coconut water, the sweetness of jack fruit, the innumerable tiny insects, the butterflies, the music filled in air from FM,the swing mother made for us, the leaves on the floor, the thulasi, the black beautiful crow, the different types of sand, the red mud, the paintings of rain.........