blogs

I FORGOT HOW MUCH I LOVE READING OTHER BLOGGERS. THEY MAKE ME FEEL SANE.

you

for sure there are many you inside you one wonders who is in charge of you.

thoughts

parents seek your obedience 
friends seek your laughter 
kids seek your love 
family seek your acceptance

left with your thoughts 
unable to share 
as none can be bothered 
with such a heavy stuff 

u label them as poems 
u gift wrap them as novels
u dump them as blogs 
to let the wind take them 
and toss over to wilderness 

as with every feeling 
u urge 
u wait 
u seek 

for an acknowledgement of your thoughts 
which only you can truly understand.

no thoughts

Its been real long since I sat down to write. Actually there was a lot of things happening in my life that I should have sat down to record it. But somehow i dont want keep a track of anything. no need to hold on to yesterdays... nothing will bring it back.Just live in the present with no worries of future. I do worry about future but as there is nothing much I will do coz I am too lazy for it these days I even let go of the thoughts of future. I feel like a stone suspended on air before it hits the stream to make the ripples. One never knows the impact of the ripple. Within few months I am expecting few changes in my life. Its aftereffects and consequences I cant even imagine. In movies and stories one reads that after life threatening disease or some very important event people do change. But in real life I feel man basically remains the same.He forgets easily. Still wallow for the unreachable and spend his life never satisfied never enjoying it. My perspective is based on the small number of people i deal with. Do I belong to that category. In ones own judgement one is always perfect. Actually I dont feel like writing. No thoughts worry me these days. I am not searching for answers. I am not inquisitive. I have mellowed down to the passiveness called life.

CHANGE

After a long time, got access to blog again. From the day I started blogging a lot of have changed. I am back to the profession which i wished. All the small dreams i had few of them came true. I apologized to my friends. Made peace with myself got back one of my friends. Then after settling into my dreams i got so much used to the pace that slowly i started to feel its boring. My ambitions grew. I wanted to achieve more.. I started getting restless. I started ignoring the pleasantness of life. Then suddenly life took control. It started showing its unpleasant side. Loved ones fell sick. I was frightened. With a jerk I realized how I missed those small things.. I wanted my boring life back. While i am writing this.. Things are bit normal. I believe the health is under control.. Things look bit normal... But I am shaken.. The ugly face of life is too hard to forget.. I can see it waiting behind the everyday curtains.. I am afraid to smile ..i feel the lips straining to hide the pain and fear. Everyone knows life is short and unexpected things happen.. But to face it is really different. You can never be prepared.

wings

I was searching, Raking the images To find Who gave me wings. All the loved faces That came up Reminded me of the earth below. The need to be grounded The safety of the nest, The love needed Yet in unaware moments I see myself flying With an alarm I fold my wings As I see the loved faces near me There is nothing to fly and see As all the love spread around me But still I wondered Who gave me wings The truth hit me Like a snail I was born with wings A blessing conferred I keep my wings down To protect those around me Maybe alas the wings were meant for that? I wonder.. _____________________________ ( then there are days when i realise i was born hadicapped - wingless, leglees , handless and some days i feel brainless.. those days i feel the loved ones make me survive.)

second chance

i don’t remember if i have wondered how it would be if i was given a second chance. after being away from a particular phase of life to be exact from collage life and studies and things i loved i am put back to the exact situation after 10 long years. i am back to studies , research and competition. That was what i wanted and missed a lot. my life take on as the last ten years never existed. its amazing. they say when u have a wish the whole universe work towards satisfying it for you. and thats what exactly happened. its unbelievable. there is a vacuum in my sense of blogging coz if i blog it would be most about my happiness. i can’t pinpoint any questions intriguing me. though today i had a discussion with my colleague about people who love sports. what do they achieve from it. for sure they enjoy it get physical and mental happiness. but does it help the society in any way? living a life or meaningful life does it always include a commitment to society. how will it bring my career to have a impact on society without walking out of the way. if society is group of individual with selfish interest what is my responsibility towards them. in a large scale helping a backward society how far can i help them? does it make a difference. doesn’t my family comes first and making a living take priority? how can one tie up all these. is there a purpose with life or being helpful and kind and forgiving and reacting in everyday life is the essence of life. the other day it crossed my mind that the best thing about being alive is to experience god in different ways. when u put the god element to different question u feel calm and feel non guilty for not finding the answers. if you have a dream keep it. one day its going to come true. keep negativity away from your life. you attract what you are always thinking of. i don’t want to sound wise but these are my thoughts or belief at this point of life. to be alert and enjoy each second is good ,to get lost at some point is equally good and to find your way out and reach god though some may say escapism is excellent. thus i live again..

2012 March

I am settled into a life of no unusual thoughts . Celebrated my birthday with few grey hairs and truth worded cards ( even though flowery i believe in those words in card to be true..coz it says all good things about me :-).

Office (as for my designation) I have come to comprehend that is like a game of passing the parcel. Try to pass off the burden as soon as it reaches you. Do not apply your mind or think of solving issues if you don’t want to land in trouble and get out of work!.

Home is a place where I think I can relax and go into a zombie mode until the dust, dirt and piled up works tumble down to my sofa and I jerk up and start working like a robot. until some else tap the robot and put it into zombie mode!!!!.. Really when will I learn housekeeping, order and some routine.

Now the tiny thought nagging me is should I travel again or save up the money to buy gold as others advice? Did I gain anything from travel. Is it really important to travel. I don’t regret the tours I made or think whether they were necessary. It was always my dream and I am glad I did. The question is about future travel.

(of course i do have others doubts like whether i am bipolar.. but I don’t care about answer or the question.. it is u who should be worrying about giving me a name right?)

Recently I had fever and I felt very cold. So cold that I disliked the idea to die. So in 2012 i realize I don’t like to die and i am afraid of death. And I don’t like my immediate family being very happy without me to bother them. I realized long back that I am sadistic. ( but it always hurt when others pointed it out to me. Yes truth hurts).

Writing about death... it reminds me of Egypt. so much dead and dead bodies. A country build around dead? ( I don’t mean it.. just a way of talking). Visit to Egypt left me throbbing with doubts and questions that left me numb. I didn’t venture to find answers coz I felt foolish and believe that I will never admit the truth or tear out the web of theories I believe in. Its a waste of time.. Anyway u have to live & die and in between earn to eat.

I want to write a lovely summary of Egypt visit but the memory cobwebs of mummies are preventing me from writing about the swimming pool in the hotel or the old buildings thrusting upon us claiming to have a noble past blatant present. People and people everywhere. The beautiful neat Nile flowing down our gaze, white storks flying away gaily, rows of docked boats serving as restaurants, beautiful sight of couples hand in hand having a pleasant evening chat .. a sight which me think oh ! how sweet and then made me realize they may not have enough space at home.. Cairo - busy as bee . a brilliant past - a busy present - I couldn’t sense a future maybe my ignorance on G.K. ... Yes i visited during those turbulent time of blood shed and demonstrations ..people just waking from a long stupor.. yet i felt Egypt needs a strong shaking, a violent bloodshed .. a generation of rebellion to change. It was sort of like India.. from the roots to tips lazy in strategic planning but busy in operational area.. Proud about the long lost past but careless about present.

Alexandria was beautiful. A slight European touch. The flea markets replica of India.. Variety of Date palms. Hot sun - abnormal price tags - sweet smiled lies while shopping ..

I think I am not yet ready to write about Egypt.

Answers

It doesn’t matter who gives you the answer. But if it resonates with your thinking if you feel justified and pacified and calmed :-) with certain answers, then u understand that its time to move on.

So i am shaking away the self sympathy mode. Back to my normal sense but with a little bit of innocence lost. To act that everything is fine as before will be an 'act'. But i am sure time will do its part and i will forget why i was hurt.

should i elaborate. it will make good writing... but better i dwell in another topic.

did i write about the turkey trip?

almost one year after the trip i can feel the smile playing on my lips thinking of those turkey days. If u want to feel lost to this world go to Cappadocia/turkey. Take your family too coz that will give you a sense of reality. :-)

the balloon air trip was worth it. truthfully when i was in the balloon i couldn’t feel any thrill it was like you are standing in a bus/plane. but nostalgia adds flavor to everything. such trips are best for creating some good memories. like an ostrich you can drown your thought in those memories and get along happily with this world.

Istanbul had an ethnic beauty. It being early winter the light fell beautifully on everything. ( I understood the importance of light factor recently. Winter is almost here in Kuwait. So during a drive i noticed how beautiful Kuwait looked when sun took a break.) The pathways, the mosque, the tram everything had a holiday mood in them. hmm again as u know it might be my holiday mood reflecting on them...Still one can feel peaceful there. The greenery was excellent unlike the unruly Kerala greens these were modest and manicured. Exquisite palace in beautiful setting, a boat trip with a panoramic view of history and present ,assurance of friends laughter it all adds unto a smile when you think of those days.

I should add that the Turkish people are very proud. now earlier i would have thought how can u know if people are proud/ sensitive etc without association. I have no clue but still u can feel that people/even street hawkers are aware of their proud culture. Pamukale was as beautiful as the pictures. But any beauty when u go near you wonder was it only this much .( may be coz u are from kerala where u live amongst natural beauty )Still its an experience. Next time a photo take you to dream land u wont be swept away. :-).

The walk through the Illhara valley was breathtaking (really). The lunch in middle of those streams, valley and swan all natural makes one thankful. In Cappadocia by 4'o clock its pitch dark that u have to ebb into your room and enjoy the company of human beings. Staying in a cave house ,walking through old shelters five stores’ beneath the floor, touching formations of a erupted volcano a keralite who lives peacefully sheltered from world wars and natural calamities (in extremes) felt stunned.
It took one year to chew all those happiness and reminisce those days and to write it down. Money spent in such trips are worth i feel.

Disturbed

I have to write. Mind is so disturbed that i have no idea how to present it. to write about it...........

If my life can be viewed as a stage i have entered it as a normal actor in various drama, turned into hero in various scenes and then pushed out of the whole drama as a villain. I have no idea how this transformation occurred. And not only once but in all phases of life i covered be it friends, family, college or office i have closed that episode or pushed out of various circle as a cheater or villain. I never wanted to be a hero nor a villain and knowingly i never did anything to hurt or cheat others... but i have to say in all circumstances i have tried to save my*** or feet.

When u save yourself out of difficult situations not hurting others u become a villain?
Or i imagine that while saving myself no one else is hurt? Am i selfish not considering others? In my view in any emergency save yourself first so that you can help others. What i consider help is not considered as help enough by the recipient.

I never expected anyone to acknowledge my help or to be thankful. Bu i never ever thought i will be labeled as a snatcher of other peoples right, a person who take advantage of a situation , make gain from it or in my language catch fish from muddy water.

In short i am villain among my family, friends and colleagues.

I am trying my best to be a normal person in my future life. someone please tell me how??


"by following your heart"

Run

You know? the next generation thinks walking, running is an excersice!!!

Previous generation thought it was a mode of transport.

And what do i think??

paulocoelhoblog

Of all the powerful arms of destruction that man has been capable of inventing, the most terrible – and most cowardly – are words.

Knives and fire-arms leave marks of blood. Bombs destroy buildings and streets. Poisons are eventually detected.

But destructive words manage to arouse evil without leaving any tracks. Children are conditioned by their parents for years, artists mercilessly criticized, women systematically massacred by their husbands’ remarks, the faithful kept far from religion by those who claim they are capable of interpreting God’s voice.

http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2006/05/
just for me to remember

Shy

Working in office atmosphere, my current opinion is never take it for granted the shy silent sweet person who dosent interfere with anything much. He/she is watching and learning to take upon everything at one go.Whether its a negative trait or positive or such people should be trusted or not I cannot comment. But beware of them thats all.

Another point - about driving . Some people drive as if their main duty is to drive, overtaking, manipulating traffic ,enthusiatically driving as there is nothing beyond that point. Some others drive simply to reach destination. For them driving is a necessity. Hmmmm no points to make just a thought so penned down.

When i joined office I was irritated that I didnt have much to do. Now i get irritated when there is work!!

Is there anything i want to write?? I talk in my mind/ head a lot that i have few things to speak or write.

Recently I reread TomSwayer and thoroughly enjoyed it.


Another situation in life made me think - dont depend on other people or put them first when you plan something. Always think of your own self / your happiness / whether you can adjust before taking any decision. The other person will always change and you wont be aware of it. So rely on your self. (its not being selfish).

my dream place.

Today I have to write. If i don’t write i will be confirmed that i have changed 360 degree and settled in mediocre middle age life.

Yesterday i discovered my dream place. A place i thought didn’t exist in this country. It was beyond my expectations. It was perfect. I walked into it in a daze. I could feel the joy filling my whole existence and overflowing. I felt ....... mmmmm..:-) I felt alive!!!.


A well lighted, filled with books spacious room, with comfortable seating arrangement, a pleasant personality with fair skin and perfect language and down to earth simplicity to assist you.. a place where reading service is free which make you feel honored and not as a business place... a place where you can buy, sell or exchange books...A library / bookshop.

To give a dramatic touch to my first visit to my dream place there was thunder and lightning in the background. Through the drizzling rain i walked towards my destiny.

A will and positive attitude anything is possible... is the message i got from the library ( fair skin might have helped ). the books were mostly used books. The books were arranged with love and care. In this dry land there was nothing to dream of when I close my eyes... no place i wish to hurry .. no place i look forward to till now...



Now I close my eyes and inhale the smell of books smile at the beauty of my neighborhood library..

I am content. I ask no more...

Short story.

When I decided to walk out on you , I decided to stop living.

Looking back I realise that. Giving u up was a sacrifice. I knew it would happen that way. I believed that your memory was enough to last a life time. After all these years i can survive with your thoughts.

Was the decision correct. Did others gain fron it as I had hoped. Looking at their life I doubt. Together our life would have been a struggle. Our families shattered and the blame and shame would have spoiled our life. But we would have had the satisfaction of trying.

We both lead a happy life with good partners but a part of ourself has died.

Today I feel we could have tried and lived.

I feel sorry for missing life.

((** Inspiration MM)

eid holidays

Ten days offf
and off we go
to be merry
and see the sights
filled with laughter
hope it will be.
Filled with hope
off we go.

Yes another of those days when i feel bored when no amount of reading other blogs or net surfing! can satisfy me. So i write... that plant which I saw in a friends bathroom (which is) cute.. made the bathroom more lively or pleasant ...is disturbing me. I can’t recollect its name.. a tree that has been reduced to a small pot with roots looking sturdy enough and leaves small.. a plant/ tree which has potential to grow give shade to a large place..a beauty if it was allowed to grow at its natural pace.. reduced into a small pot.... adorning a bathroom.. somehow reminded me of human beings... no not human beings maybe one of the human beings or human beings like me. trapped and conditioned into a pot and still leafing happily .. that bright green leaves which one associate with freshness... no there is no point i want to make.. just noting down that it disturbs me.
i feel drifting away like a kite... from poems and other literary works i believed it was a state of bliss . but now somehow i find it boring. if i could dream of a place to anchor strive myself towards it braving many odds i could be happy. now i understand why men went on wars..invented things.. they were simply bored and had nothing much to do. now will i create a war or invent something as i am bored... As this blog is there i think that chance can be nullified. But as a byproduct of boring i find myself drifting to comparing myself with others, being envious, trying to find fault with others, going to a situation which i used to think degrading. With an objective in mind i was occupied with any shortcoming that i had but now I kill time trying to find fault with others especially with those who achieved ‘something’ in life like a good shape, a well followed routine, an ability to go for things,or those who have an objective in life .

Death which was like a joke to me has started frightening me. Reading a blogger lose her child I feel terrified to imagine the vacuum a loved one can leave in your life. I try to spend my time with dear and near without wasting on hopes and dreams and tomorrow.


I have started realizing that the more I shut my mouth the more people misjudge me and respect me.

New theme

Just tried to play with the blog outlook and this is the result. Is it a bit too much? for a blog that doesn't get updated often, which doesn't speak strongly of anything I don't think such an theme is required.But the back ground and the header are my favourite images.

The fire of which i am always afraid, fascinate me. I feel its beautiful, exciting,divine but from a distance. Fire for me represents the rage inside, the enthusiasm outside and power all over.

The green coloured parrots flying over the blue sky represents freedom a colourful freedom a freedom in all spheres of life.It reminds me the joy of friendship, the carelessness, the lighter moments of life, gaiety.

So I think till i get bored with these pictures i might keep them on the blog.

Whats happening at my end?

A visit to Jordan and Dubai.

But cant find any words to express it.

The roman remains in Jerash, temple of Archimedes, Zeus.... names synonymous with myths...i was completely awed. History i have learned... to see glimpses of reality about those..

Dead sea.. always wanted to float ..never knew it was possible without learning swimming... an exhilarating experience.

when you don't feel like talking its better not to so another time i write about petra and other sights. I think i am still overwhelmed by Jordan.

Jordan

Memories to treasure.

A boat trip in Aqaba.


Floating in Dead sea


Roman remains


Petra...Ode to human mind.

Enjoyed every bit of it.


(Courtesy - google images)

a tag

3 things about me

Three names I go by:
1. Talkative
2. Smiling
3. Fool

Three places I've lived:
1. Home
2. Dream
3. Anticipation

Three places I've worked:
1. Poverty
2. Despair.
3. Freedom.

Three things I love to watch:
1. Sky
2. Sea
3. People

Three places I have been:
1. Hope
2. Fear
3. Peace
Three people that email me regularly:
1. They
2. you
3. Them

Three things I love to eat:

1. Spicy
2. Creamy
3. Potatoes in any forms

Three people I think will respond to this tag:
1. You
2. Her
3. Him

Three things I am looking forward to:
1. Tomorrow
2. Old age
3. grand children