Flights of fancy

Answers

2011-10-12T08:06:00.004+03:00

It doesn’t matter who gives you the answer. But if it resonates with your thinking if you feel justified and pacified and calmed :-) with certain answers, then u understand that its time to move on.

So i am shaking away the self sympathy mode. Back to my normal sense but with a little bit of innocence lost. To act that everything is fine as before will be an 'act'. But i am sure time will do its part and i will forget why i was hurt.

should i elaborate. it will make good writing... but better i dwell in another topic.

did i write about the turkey trip?

almost one year after the trip i can feel the smile playing on my lips thinking of those turkey days. If u want to feel lost to this world go to Cappadocia/turkey. Take your family too coz that will give you a sense of reality. :-)

the balloon air trip was worth it. truthfully when i was in the balloon i couldn’t feel any thrill it was like you are standing in a bus/plane. but nostalgia adds flavor to everything. such trips are best for creating some good memories. like an ostrich you can drown your thought in those memories and get along happily with this world.

Istanbul had an ethnic beauty. It being early winter the light fell beautifully on everything. ( I understood the importance of light factor recently. Winter is almost here in Kuwait. So during a drive i noticed how beautiful Kuwait looked when sun took a break.) The pathways, the mosque, the tram everything had a holiday mood in them. hmm again as u know it might be my holiday mood reflecting on them...Still one can feel peaceful there. The greenery was excellent unlike the unruly Kerala greens these were modest and manicured. Exquisite palace in beautiful setting, a boat trip with a panoramic view of history and present ,assurance of friends laughter it all adds unto a smile when you think of those days.

I should add that the Turkish people are very proud. now earlier i would have thought how can u know if people are proud/ sensitive etc without association. I have no clue but still u can feel that people/even street hawkers are aware of their proud culture. Pamukale was as beautiful as the pictures. But any beauty when u go near you wonder was it only this much .( may be coz u are from kerala where u live amongst natural beauty )Still its an experience. Next time a photo take you to dream land u wont be swept away. :-).

The walk through the Illhara valley was breathtaking (really). The lunch in middle of those streams, valley and swan all natural makes one thankful. In Cappadocia by 4'o clock its pitch dark that u have to ebb into your room and enjoy the company of human beings. Staying in a cave house ,walking through old shelters five stores’ beneath the floor, touching formations of a erupted volcano a keralite who lives peacefully sheltered from world wars and natural calamities (in extremes) felt stunned.
It took one year to chew all those happiness and reminisce those days and to write it down. Money spent in such trips are worth i feel.

Disturbed

2011-09-26T12:34:00.006+03:00

I have to write. Mind is so disturbed that i have no idea how to present it. to write about it...........

If my life can be viewed as a stage i have entered it as a normal actor in various drama, turned into hero in various scenes and then pushed out of the whole drama as a villain. I have no idea how this transformation occurred. And not only once but in all phases of life i covered be it friends, family, college or office i have closed that episode or pushed out of various circle as a cheater or villain. I never wanted to be a hero nor a villain and knowingly i never did anything to hurt or cheat others... but i have to say in all circumstances i have tried to save my*** or feet.

When u save yourself out of difficult situations not hurting others u become a villain?
Or i imagine that while saving myself no one else is hurt? Am i selfish not considering others? In my view in any emergency save yourself first so that you can help others. What i consider help is not considered as help enough by the recipient.

I never expected anyone to acknowledge my help or to be thankful. Bu i never ever thought i will be labeled as a snatcher of other peoples right, a person who take advantage of a situation , make gain from it or in my language catch fish from muddy water.

In short i am villain among my family, friends and colleagues.

I am trying my best to be a normal person in my future life. someone please tell me how??

"by following your heart"

Run

2011-07-26T14:26:00.001+03:00

You know? the next generation thinks walking, running is an excersice!!!

Previous generation thought it was a mode of transport.

And what do i think??

paulocoelhoblog

2011-07-11T12:54:00.001+03:00

Of all the powerful arms of destruction that man has been capable of inventing, the most terrible – and most cowardly – are words.

Knives and fire-arms leave marks of blood. Bombs destroy buildings and streets. Poisons are eventually detected.

But destructive words manage to arouse evil without leaving any tracks. Children are conditioned by their parents for years, artists mercilessly criticized, women systematically massacred by their husbands’ remarks, the faithful kept far from religion by those who claim they are capable of interpreting God’s voice.

http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2006/05/
just for me to remember

Shy

2011-06-02T12:42:00.002+03:00

Working in office atmosphere, my current opinion is never take it for granted the shy silent sweet person who dosent interfere with anything much. He/she is watching and learning to take upon everything at one go.Whether its a negative trait or positive or such people should be trusted or not I cannot comment. But beware of them thats all.

Another point - about driving . Some people drive as if their main duty is to drive, overtaking, manipulating traffic ,enthusiatically driving as there is nothing beyond that point. Some others drive simply to reach destination. For them driving is a necessity. Hmmmm no points to make just a thought so penned down.

When i joined office I was irritated that I didnt have much to do. Now i get irritated when there is work!!

Is there anything i want to write?? I talk in my mind/ head a lot that i have few things to speak or write.

Recently I reread TomSwayer and thoroughly enjoyed it.

Another situation in life made me think - dont depend on other people or put them first when you plan something. Always think of your own self / your happiness / whether you can adjust before taking any decision. The other person will always change and you wont be aware of it. So rely on your self. (its not being selfish).

my dream place.

2011-05-18T08:16:00.003+03:00

Today I have to write. If i don’t write i will be confirmed that i have changed 360 degree and settled in mediocre middle age life.

Yesterday i discovered my dream place. A place i thought didn’t exist in this country. It was beyond my expectations. It was perfect. I walked into it in a daze. I could feel the joy filling my whole existence and overflowing. I felt ....... mmmmm..:-) I felt alive!!!.

A well lighted, filled with books spacious room, with comfortable seating arrangement, a pleasant personality with fair skin and perfect language and down to earth simplicity to assist you.. a place where reading service is free which make you feel honored and not as a business place... a place where you can buy, sell or exchange books...A library / bookshop.

To give a dramatic touch to my first visit to my dream place there was thunder and lightning in the background. Through the drizzling rain i walked towards my destiny.

A will and positive attitude anything is possible... is the message i got from the library ( fair skin might have helped ). the books were mostly used books. The books were arranged with love and care. In this dry land there was nothing to dream of when I close my eyes... no place i wish to hurry .. no place i look forward to till now...

Now I close my eyes and inhale the smell of books smile at the beauty of my neighborhood library..

I am content. I ask no more...

Short story.

2010-12-01T11:52:00.002+03:00

When I decided to walk out on you , I decided to stop living.

Looking back I realise that. Giving u up was a sacrifice. I knew it would happen that way. I believed that your memory was enough to last a life time. After all these years i can survive with your thoughts.

Was the decision correct. Did others gain fron it as I had hoped. Looking at their life I doubt. Together our life would have been a struggle. Our families shattered and the blame and shame would have spoiled our life. But we would have had the satisfaction of trying.

We both lead a happy life with good partners but a part of ourself has died.

Today I feel we could have tried and lived.

I feel sorry for missing life.

((** Inspiration MM)

eid holidays

2010-11-11T14:15:00.002+03:00

Ten days offf
and off we go
to be merry
and see the sights
filled with laughter
hope it will be.
Filled with hope
off we go.

2010-11-02T10:53:00.005+03:00

Yes another of those days when i feel bored when no amount of reading other blogs or net surfing! can satisfy me. So i write... that plant which I saw in a friends bathroom (which is) cute.. made the bathroom more lively or pleasant ...is disturbing me. I can’t recollect its name.. a tree that has been reduced to a small pot with roots looking sturdy enough and leaves small.. a plant/ tree which has potential to grow give shade to a large place..a beauty if it was allowed to grow at its natural pace.. reduced into a small pot.... adorning a bathroom.. somehow reminded me of human beings... no not human beings maybe one of the human beings or human beings like me. trapped and conditioned into a pot and still leafing happily .. that bright green leaves which one associate with freshness... no there is no point i want to make.. just noting down that it disturbs me.
i feel drifting away like a kite... from poems and other literary works i believed it was a state of bliss . but now somehow i find it boring. if i could dream of a place to anchor strive myself towards it braving many odds i could be happy. now i understand why men went on wars..invented things.. they were simply bored and had nothing much to do. now will i create a war or invent something as i am bored... As this blog is there i think that chance can be nullified. But as a byproduct of boring i find myself drifting to comparing myself with others, being envious, trying to find fault with others, going to a situation which i used to think degrading. With an objective in mind i was occupied with any shortcoming that i had but now I kill time trying to find fault with others especially with those who achieved ‘something’ in life like a good shape, a well followed routine, an ability to go for things,or those who have an objective in life .

Death which was like a joke to me has started frightening me. Reading a blogger lose her child I feel terrified to imagine the vacuum a loved one can leave in your life. I try to spend my time with dear and near without wasting on hopes and dreams and tomorrow.

I have started realizing that the more I shut my mouth the more people misjudge me and respect me.

New theme

2010-09-27T08:06:00.003+03:00

Just tried to play with the blog outlook and this is the result. Is it a bit too much? for a blog that doesn't get updated often, which doesn't speak strongly of anything I don't think such an theme is required.But the back ground and the header are my favourite images.

The fire of which i am always afraid, fascinate me. I feel its beautiful, exciting,divine but from a distance. Fire for me represents the rage inside, the enthusiasm outside and power all over.

The green coloured parrots flying over the blue sky represents freedom a colourful freedom a freedom in all spheres of life.It reminds me the joy of friendship, the carelessness, the lighter moments of life, gaiety.

So I think till i get bored with these pictures i might keep them on the blog.

Whats happening at my end?

A visit to Jordan and Dubai.

But cant find any words to express it.

The roman remains in Jerash, temple of Archimedes, Zeus.... names synonymous with myths...i was completely awed. History i have learned... to see glimpses of reality about those..

Dead sea.. always wanted to float ..never knew it was possible without learning swimming... an exhilarating experience.

when you don't feel like talking its better not to so another time i write about petra and other sights. I think i am still overwhelmed by Jordan.

Jordan

2010-09-21T07:17:00.007+03:00

Memories to treasure.

A boat trip in Aqaba.

Floating in Dead sea

Roman remains

Petra...Ode to human mind.

Enjoyed every bit of it.

(Courtesy - google images)

a tag

2010-08-17T12:48:00.001+03:00

3 things about me

Three names I go by:
1. Talkative
2. Smiling
3. Fool

Three places I've lived:
1. Home
2. Dream
3. Anticipation

Three places I've worked:
1. Poverty
2. Despair.
3. Freedom.

Three things I love to watch:
1. Sky
2. Sea
3. People

Three places I have been:
1. Hope
2. Fear
3. Peace
Three people that email me regularly:
1. They
2. you
3. Them

Three things I love to eat:

1. Spicy
2. Creamy
3. Potatoes in any forms

Three people I think will respond to this tag:
1. You
2. Her
3. Him

Three things I am looking forward to:
1. Tomorrow
2. Old age
3. grand children

nostalgia

2010-08-17T08:44:00.000+03:00

copy paste

2010-08-16T10:30:00.003+03:00

http://tysonice.blogspot.com/

Iam absolutely indisciplined.

This is very surprising. Considering that I have spend a larger part of my life in places where I had to follow orders.
Normally I let my wife lead me. She tells me fetch and I fetch. When shes in the car with me, I just stop thinking. She has to even tell me the routes that we have travelled a thousand times before , much to her chagrin. I guess, given a chance, I can totally surrender living to someone else. My only problem is when others tries to influence my thoughts and words. Then I become rabid.

Iam , what you call, living in the moment. In a semi daze.

If left to myself, Iam inaction.( Isn't that word ironic? In action should mean being in action, yet it stands for an action less state).Most of my thoughts when Iam alone is about immediate requirements. My wife is aware of this. She knows that if Iam left alone, she will almost always find me in the same spot 3 days later. She drives me to action.

I don't mind.

She seems to have the road map and Iam just in it for the ride.

...and perhaps to change the tyre once in a while.

Its good to have a role in life I guess. Not that it really matters...but it helps.

I have this disgusting habit of mirroring.Which means that I have a tendency to mirror anything that's put in front of me. If Iam reading a book, Iam that book until the next one is placed in front of me. It could be a book, a movie, a person...It last only as long as it is in front of me. It leaves no trace when its removed. Iam not influenced, just merely reflecting. So most people tend to like me because I seem their type. Iam very good in becoming what ever it is you want me to be.

_____________________

Yes its copy paste from tys. If i had a way with words this is how i would have described myself.. But then this is not my full portrait. The rest i know exists... but i have not figured out it yet.

Today i wanted to write about usefulness. I had prepared it my mind. Thought it as genuine piece.. a sudden dawn of enlightenment... but as always i start the day reading blogs... and in the end i am left with nothing to write... i drink up all the blogs and spend the rest of the day digesting it... mirroring it in tys words... a day 'inaction'.

i have read, heard about the gift of life, the wonderful life , understanding the importance of life... living to the fullest, to grasp each passing minute...so much in such manner. Truthfully till now i cannot understand what its all about. This preciousness of life. I am too lazy to expand on it. Suddenly i realize if u are useful your life becomes precious ( to you or others i still am not sure). When u realize your house run on its own and u dont have much part in it..or it can be done by another... you wonder why to carry it... see i cannot make this spicy...readable..

let it be...

( to realize you are useless and so are your thoughts....... so i am not realizing it now.. I am searching a name a glorified title for my uselessness and thoughts... any ideas???)

Blabbering

2010-08-04T09:39:00.002+03:00

Today, like any other day starts and might end with uncompleted work and unanswered thoughts. The knowledge you might die any second or your loved ones might not be there..dosent alter your course of life. You are destined to live as you may live forever. The change which promise to be constant is complacent and its effects dosent create a lasting effect.We read about people who made a difference, who walked a different way, who struggled and made it. But how i or u may reach there no one can tell us. To tear away the sophestication, the overwhelming pleasantness is no easy. In one situation you are too full to do any thing more or you are too distressed that distress is the focus. Is it better to realize these stories are only worth reading not living. Its a comfortable zone . Why leave it?

Looking back i remeber days when i wished exams were over, wondered what future holds for me, savoured books wondering my destiny, prayed for turns of events....
Having crossed the sea..to acknowledge that after sea its again land..like the previous one you left.... to reaize you miss the excitment of being at sea...i can only say these thoughts are foolish useless and fit for lazy person.

The Beautiful now has so much to offer. Its so fast to plan or enjoy. I am thinking how to nail my NOW. By thinking i forget NOW is slipping away.

Le me finish those piled up files .

** these days when mind races forward i find my heavy body lagging behind pulling my mind towards it.

To be like in 'matrix'....oh i wish..

SUNDAY BLUNDER

2010-08-01T09:19:00.002+03:00

I never realized how sleep deprived I was until my new boss on his first day in office asked me "Does our secretary has a separate table with list of forwarding people" "No she use the same table" I replied !!!!!
It took one Nescafe for me to realize my blunder.
( He was referring to EXCEL table)

Change

2010-07-20T12:57:00.002+03:00

Change is inevitable we say and its well known. But it always catch me off guard. Like death i know it might happen any time but every time change strikes i gasp and gaze and suffocate. It takes time for me to digest that change is constant. Like death change too is accepted as there is nothing much to do against it.

Blog world saw many good blogs closing down but none bitterly. Its reassuring to know the blogger close to your heart are doing well and happy in their non blogging status. But still when they say they are closing down I feel jerked.

People who live a normal not much exciting life at least get into roller caster to experience the thrill. All the thrills make the life or the steady flow. Ya i know its the mixture. But i do wonder why people need the thrill. cant they be happy when they are happy??

Little i understood law of physics / chemistry. But i understood every action has equal and opposite reaction. When u give be prepared to receive. Don't feel u were a fool never to give but was silently suffering... coz u were silent maybe the blows were less severe. But once u start responding the thrill begins. Should one be quiet or live a thrilling life always on the edge?? Should one silently swallow or spit and see what it was??

Why people hate you when they realize you are telling the truth. Why does it pain me when i hear truth from others? So the world is perfect only when decorated with lies?

A phase

2010-06-10T07:27:00.002+03:00

In office they have blocked Orkut, Face book and chatting. Collegues are scurrying with a frown ...lost as to how to spend their time. I couldnt imagine a day in office with out checking my social net work. Now finally it is banned i feel peace. No need to wait for comments from friends.. keep checking if any new photos posted. I will be forced to live in the real world again. Maybe collegues will have a carefree smile when i approach them next time... maybe i may hear human sound again in office.Most imprtantly i will have time to glance at the person who approach my cabin.

These days life is back to calm serene river..It flows peacefully. No disturbing thoughts.. no out of box thinking. life is at peace with routine. There are no more un anwered questions...no urge to return... no dreams to chase... and no pain lulling at heart. Life moves with a smile.....

Thoughts

2010-04-12T08:08:00.004+03:00

The best topic to write about is I. coz thats the only thing i am capable of and which will give me some stuff to write about. Many years i had lived in my small place in kerala enjoying its beauty but back of my mind i wanted to get out ...see the world ..settle in a far away place ..away from everything familiar. Towards the end of my studying years I just wanted to get off and get lost to the world around me .As i read somewhere ,you wish for something without even being aware of it and it happens. Later ....after many many years when you pause to look behind... you slowly understand that,it was your thoughts that was happening in your life. Though simple it may seems its not easy to realize or accept that simple truth. To admit that the bad times were our own subconcious thoughts would be too much.

Any ways now far from the land i was born and broughtup now almost settled in the new place..the urge to go back has started. deep down i know one cannot go back. Even if u go back u will the miss the present life.

It takes me to another cycle of thoughts.Once , it seems men believed that earth was flat and u will reach a point and you wont be able to go further. Then they realized its round and u can go round and round witout ever reaching an end.The sun is round..moom ..earth..human cycle everything round without an end or beginning...

Then how can i ask my thoughts to go straight..to reach an end..
However much ever i travel i come back to the same port...

Tagged

2010-04-11T08:00:00.003+03:00

2 B's mommy tagged me to write 7 things about myself. The tag goes like this:

Reveal 7 random things about yourself

1) You have to tag 7 people

2) You have to link their pages in your tag post

3) You have to leave a comment in their comment section telling them they have been tagged

4) You have to say who tagged you.

This is the first time I am tagged.

tO SAY SEVEN RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME AND TO PRESENT IT IN A WAY OTHERS MIGHT ENJOY READING...LET ME GIVE IT A TRY

1) I ENJOY NATURE ... in a calm quite way...i wish i could paint , write or dance to express my joy..but i cant..so i simply sit and watch...maybe in other words u may call me plain lazy.

2) I like to debate with those whom i think are worthy of it. Otherwise i am silent.

3) I love to read, read and read anything to anything.

4) I enjoy food.

5) Best way to describe me will be to a chamelion. I adapt to those around me and I enjoy everything.

6) I see both sides of the argument that I am at a loss to decide.

7) I plan life to details and when its time to act I leave it to destiny . ( again u may term that lazy)

ufffffff.. never had an idea writing seven things about me was so hard. Then again had so many ideas to present it witty and articulate.. Where!!! one can only be one self.

Thank you 2bs mom for the tag.

The next step of tagging seven other bloggers.... Evey on e i knew had already done it. So.....

2010-01-20T12:21:00.003+03:00

Reading other blogs reminds me how nice it is to blog daily. But when I sit down to write I have to drag myself. Apart from, its really long that I have blogged or someother boring lines ,i cant think of any thing to write. Today I thought to write about something....somthing of today.

In office I am replacing today. I hate to replace. It makes me feel insecure. Not sure of my jobnature. Trying to appear professional and ending up a fool. ........Its boring.. to write about that..

hmm ok let me try another topic... the one who sits near me.. When i first met her she looked very serious. not at all frndly. So i too kept my place. Now she dosent look so intimidating and i found her very young at heart, very active and with a good sense of humour. All this dosent make her my frnd. I can understand her thats all.

HMM people do age.. anyway i am aging. the silly laughter is not there.. the open frndship has become lesser..i look for hidden meaning in a sentence.
i doubt ulterior motives in a persons words and actions.. and i have become judgemental.

Again writing about I and you is bit boring and repetative. Can i write about anything else??

Yaa abut exams i wrote. All the questions were so easy I was glad seeing it. It looked famliar. As it was multiple choice type..all the answers looked very simlar...so in fact i have no clue whether i have done it well or not.

I am wasting my time instead of preparing for next set of exams...

hmmmmmmm ..another thing that worries me ... everytime I finish my meal i think
of diet ..till i see the next meal!!

I know I know it was very boring to read. Still its better than not updating at all right?

New Year

2010-01-06T07:13:00.003+03:00

New year but old hopes. This year I make the the baby step towards my dream..a dream as old as I can remember. I do not know what tomorrow holds for me . Whatever it may I don't want it to hold regret.... that I never even attempted. Let me face the consequences of my action ..in a way may be that's what life is all about. Action & reaction.
Today I travel to write my exam. Whatever the result may be I will only gain. The writing of exam sets me free. I m giving a chance to destiny to take me where I belong. If it hesitates I will live my life happily amongst happiness .

Long back I have read this scene in a book..Going away from a happy family to pursue ones dream. My friends criticized it. But I knew then that it was bound to happen to me. ALL THESE YEARS I TRIED TO FLEE FROM IT. Now I understand there is nothing to be afraid of.... Twist and turns and bit of unpolished roads only make the drive more exciting. If you are in control, if you know the destination and if you have FAITH you will not be lost.

I hope my dear ones will understand why i walk away today...Its not to prove anything.. its not to define myself. Its not an ego issue. This is something which i have to do.

I walk aware of your pain.. bearing my pain.

But I have to

Woods are lovely dark and deep
But miles to go before I sleep

Me wondering

2009-12-23T08:45:00.003+03:00

Some times when I see a picture so beautiful I keep staring at it for a long time then I have to walk away. I walk away feeling a pain a helplessness as to leave such a beauty. The moments i stare i am at a loss to comprehend it. I never can have enough of it. the hard fact of life is you have to move on . Beautiful landscapes also has such an effect on me. And rare times i meet people whom i can never make part of my life. i get glimpses of their thoughts their uniqueness.. i gasp and wonder..but i realise we cannot pause..life has to move on. i realise one should be thankful for such a meeting for getting a glimpse maybe be treasure it in deep memory and move on.

Does moving on means forgetting ? denying the existence of what we have seen? Once you experience , it moves on with you. you cannot shed it. simple truth.

I wish i could go on writing be more clear but i have learned words cannot be forced..then it becomes bookish.. and even if i wish to i am not gifted much..
random thoughts, absurd conclusions...sums me up.

I hate it when some on insit on gendering the thoughts. But the truth might be with gender the thoughts might differ. I do not know. But there are meeting points right?
May be its the reactions that differ?

meeting of mind / thoughts/ interpreations/ views / needs physical presence????

hmmmm ...then what foolishness of me.. to think meeting of mind!!! maybe the other mind dosent agree??? how can i claim to be so high. then maybe meekly i may say sometimes i am able to understand you and feel happy that i can under stand..i can enjoy a beautiful picture, i recognize a thing of worth when i see one.. i might not be one myself but i am happy ,to be gifted with the sense of appreciation .

And yes i feel........

Accident

2009-12-15T07:43:00.003+03:00

Its been long since I had an anticipating moment without knowing what will happen next.By now I have a fair picture of all the consequences of my action. Nothing much excites me. Nor does it make me afraid. As one may say I have taken life in its stride.I enjoy and walk along without being excited. When younger everything was exciting. going out ..a evening with friends..a chappal lost...an exam result everything had a huge impact. I enjoy the current phase. Enjoying without being excited. Sometimes I do miss the thrill. Then I pleasantly remind myself I have grown up , matured and feel contend in the thought.

At certain age people excited us so much. especially the opposite sex. their looks, actions, talks we tried to find a meaning for it. then another phase of chasing dreams. then the little ones took over..life..simply thinking ... life...it goes in a predicted way but not the way we predict.

Two days back , our car was hit by another car from back. our car lost control and for few minutes it was exciting. not knowing whats to happen next. will the car stop.will it catch fire. will it turn upside down. how are we going to get hurt. will we survive .will it be painful. those moments brought a prayer on my lips. surprisingly i didn't pray for safety. i just prayed ..for a strength. those moments nothing crossed my mind apart from what will happen next.

From all the chaos that followed after and in between I can separate those few minutes of which I was prepared to face death. I should say I was not afraid. I am surprised that I was not afraid......

Maybe we are most afraid of our near and dear ones life and facing the life without them. (only my frnds were with me in the car no family members)

i do not know...just wondering and recording my first accident.

Diaries

2009-12-03T08:48:00.004+03:00

Today they distributed diary. I tried to be nostalgic. What to say it never happens that way..When we want to walk thru those old times it refuses to come. So I left it. Going thru the pages of diary I was making future plans. Checked out the day when my birthday will fall..

When in schoool I longed for diaries ..not only diaries all those files and pocket diaries and plastic bags one gets from bank. The kids whose parents worked in bank had it.I used to long for them. Now having account in different banks, I try to collect them. Not that I need them. but still I love to have them.
There was a time when I used to note down my emotions in diary. and I used to love reading them. But there was never a safe place to hide them. Others always wanted to read it. If by mistake anyone read my diary i used to shred it to pieces just to get the anger out of my system.

Now too i write down little bit of myself in blog.Now I wish some one might read it.. :-)

Another season

2009-11-22T09:43:00.005+03:00

Winter is here. Another season starting. Its bit late but still it has arrived.. That does matter right.. though late it came...What if it never came..nothing! we will just go on saying .oh this year it didn't come..maybe some research on it..some reason found.. anyways ..if it comes we welcome it...

With the change of season I might like to believe I too have changed a bit. I have forgiven myself. I understood ,truth cannot be withheld for long. It nags you so much that it has to be out. I had to say it. Anyways I think its the end of that episode.. time to move on.

2009 is almost over. How was it with me? What all happened? At this juncture I can only say I made peace with myself and that's a great achievement. This year I have taken one step towards my dream.

But still I have not convinced myself whether my dream is worth pursuing. My dream is to get a job settle down in kerala. This relocating...is it worth? will kids adjust? how will it affect my family life? Is any job worth sacrificing the happiness I enjoy now. Should I stir the calm ? I have no idea. My only solace is its not up to me to decide. The job I need involves several exams.. and is tough. So lazy me doesn't have much chance of getting thru. The fact remains that even if I get thru or not I will be happy that I attempted to write the exam.

Four years now I am working in my office. I have not worked anywhere before.I was so happy to join here. Felt the atmosphere was so new. So different. Thought with years I will be one of them. Will feel as if I belonged. But everyday reminds me this is not my place... still feel like a stranger. I feel as if I lost my way and came here to spend some time. The urge to go back is always there. I dream.. of future.... how one day I will be telling stories of this office as if it happened long back. The people I work with, the company I keep..still I regard them as characters in my story. However much I try I cant seem to fit in. But then it reminds me...i always had this misfit feeling as if i was about to go somewhere else..waiting for something to happen..never living in present ..

May be its some inherent fault in me never able to feel that i belonged. But I have to say the only time I felt belonged was with my spouse.

Now this relocating.. this fulfillment of dream means I will be moving away from family.....

So now let me wander around family for a while..I am not making jugments nor am I going to write my opinions let me try to write as my thoughts come tome

Once mariied and kids is it wrong to step out of the circle and work?

does the family constantly need you?
can they survive your absense?
will your kids go wayward coz you are not with them?
will the children understand why you want to relocate as there is no financial benefit?
Will they understand the need for individuality?
Will they understand the need to fulfill a dream?
hmm its all questions..i am not able to search for answers

Is it true that we dont know what we want? and you dont know what you want but know that fact?? I wonder..

What does one want?

2009-11-08T12:20:00.002+03:00

From a mind set of nothing much to do now my thoughts always hesitate reminding me I don't have much time to think or day dream. Many books waiting to be read, some subjects to be studied, attention to be given to family members, applying newly acquired mathematical skills at office I am busy. The truth might be I am not doing any of this effect. But I feel busy. As if lot of things need my attention.

Acquiring has become the habit of the new generation I feel. Theres a continuous greed to acquire new things. Whether we really need these things or whether its useful is not look into. I liked I want is the motto. Earlier people were more into effectively utilizing things they had. Now the trend has changed. Whether a material thing like sofa, or a mental skill like maths or an emotional need like a new relation we tend to add it to our life. One is not bothered to check or enjoy the goodies they possess. Now there is no point going deep into it. Its the trend and I am following. May be I can reframe it and say I am doing it and its the trend.

Any way now I am trying to find a new job, some new friends and some new furniture. The only thing that keeps popping up in my mind is that I already have what ever is needed for a happy life.

Maybe while acquring new things .. we will finally stumble upon what we really want.
What can one say other than life is intresting only when we have the thirst to acquire??

Boring...yaaaa instead of never posting I thought better write some boring post.

better to stop or ramble on...??

Silence

2009-09-16T11:01:00.003+03:00

This time back home I wanted to break the self imposed silence with my best friends. Circumstances forced me to observe that silence. Walking away from them without an explanation, never turning that side to see how they are feeling almost ten years passed by, All these ten years every single day i hoped they will forgive me, they will understand I was frightened. I thought i can go back any moment I wanted. It took me ten years to realize there was nothing to be frightened. There was nothing wrong or right. Age always have its way. I numbed myself not to think of their pain. How they must have felt. Absorbed in myself thinking my love would sustain the friendship I lived ten years. This time I forgave myself and muttered the courage to call them. Their response was a shock to me. No one was surprised at hearing my voice. They just asked me. "YES" “why did you call?" Have anything to say" We are busy" I didn’t know how to proceed. I didn’t know where to break in and apologize. I tried to ignore the long years of silence and talk normal. But I was served my own medicine. They all treated me as if they don’t want me anymore. As if they can’t be again bothered with me. As if I am a pest. I was shocked. I know the whole excitement of going home was my decision to reconnect. I was thrilled. But the response...in a way I felt happy. I was served my punishment. The long hiding is over. I got what I deserved. May be lesser.

I wish another ten years they might forgive me. Maybe we can be friends again. All those that had grown in between and over the friendship can be weeded out maybe one day i will be forgiven..

Kerala

2009-09-15T13:28:00.002+03:00

I have never known how it is to feel to go back home. Though I travel every year home to my native place kerala I was always in the flow .Never missing anything .Happy to be here or there. Maybe i never felt away from home.

Cannot pin point what was so different this time. I felt like i was going back to my home after a long time. Going back to where i belonged.Every twist of green made me so happy. And my god how many shades of green!!. Sitting in the car i watched the people go by busy with their daily routines. simple,dark, colourfully dressed people.ladies not heavily ducked in make ups, kids busy to catch their bus, everyone on the move like busy ants. I noticed that every where it was full of life. from the various tiny creatures whose names i don't know to the old grandmother were bursting with life doing one thing or another. First time i realised how beautiful my people were.adorned in simplicity and innocence. I recollected the Malayalam poems i have studied, the beauty the poets have described. I understood what it was all about. I have travelled a bit and seen few countries. But it was with kerala that I fell in love. Though i always liked my place it was now i realised how much i am in love.

The smell of jasmine, the sound of parrots, the sky with so many clouds, the unexpected rain, the bright cheerful sun, the trees swaying slightly, the freshness of coconut water, the sweetness of jack fruit, the innumerable tiny insects, the butterflies, the music filled in air from FM,the swing mother made for us, the leaves on the floor, the thulasi, the black beautiful crow, the different types of sand, the red mud, the paintings of rain.........

to kerala

2009-07-30T09:49:00.003+03:00

Reading all about vacation I cant wait.Simply I cant wait. I look forward to see all that greenary. Hope I can see bit of rain too. From the flight trip with kids to the auto trips its all exciting. The best thing about living abroad is one can look forward to going home. While living back there we took everything for granted. But going back for a few days showing everything to the kids roaming around with the belife thats its only for fewdays adds special beauty to all those things.

I cant help being bit philosophical..maybe life too the same? the fact that one day we have to leave makes living worth it.. and when u realise u may go any moment it becomes extra special. But what to do..?? :-) somepeople stay really long that ones is led to believe there is lot of time and we keep aside for tomorrow..everything from a simple smile to a warm hug.

I wish i could make up with some frnds over whom i wrapped a silence. I wish i could roam around with other frnds whith whom i was always in touch.I wish my parents will get enough of me to last till my next trip. I wish my kids enjoy each second of it, get their hands dirty, get wet in the rain, scream loudly, talk to strangers, smile at everyone and dont bother to obey.

The wholeyear i was just waiting for this month? or is just part of my journey. As the days near i feel like i was just waiting to go home. pushing each day to its end.

Oh i miss i really miss my home land. I understand no amount of luxory, no amount of serenity , no amount of peace will equal a few days in my land.

So friends I will be back from kerala soon and if possible post from there...Hope atleast some of u will still be intersted in reading.

ooohh heeeyyyyy vacation starts!!!!!!

2009-06-21T08:39:00.005+03:00

My feet was soft and neat my mother covered it with socks so i can walk without getting them dirty and protecting them from winter and summer. Socks was thin so she put shoes over them so i can walk sturdy and strong. When i started walking she noticed that roads were muddy so she tarred the roads. It was long so she gave me wheels. Not fast enough and i was on a flight . Not that safe she gave me Internet. Now with uncovered feet cuddling on my sofa i chat with her online and see the world.

No Topic.

2009-06-14T07:58:00.004+03:00

Before i start my day i want to write down something.Not that i have anything particular to write about.

And what can one write when they have nothing to write about?

About how sad i am when war is going on between Palestine and Israel / How unhappy i am about the Iraqi people. How I admire the new US president? Or still how congress has come second time. Will priyanka be the next Congress secretary and Rahul the next Prime minister and the Opposition leader Sanjay Gandhis son??

Or else why the ladies don't react ? Why men think the dumb they are the other half prefer them better?? Or how the distilled water and bottled water is really damaging the world? Why global warming is increasing not decreasing? How history repeats itself?

Why ? how? where ? When? sums up life?? I can if i want write about any of these? Or still better something about the never seen GOD?? or will it be better if i pull ur legs and watch the fun?? I do not know.. Why i didn't write? For one thing short of vocabulary, another the urge to write and most importantly i have read all that what i wanted to write..If every one acts who will see the show.. (I did want to write about all of the above...one day.....)

Then when i see the show is it mandatory that i should clap or hoot , a silent spectator is not enough..maybe some shows just take away ur senses that u are quiet. sometimes u don't want to join the crowd and sometimes u know its simply provoking why bite the bait. But u do act . i love to watch .

Now that feels nice that ranting. I am not sure if u will feel nice when reading this. That makes me think about the the next issue. Is this space entirely mine to write of as i wish?? Don't i have a duty towards those whose eyes might wander this side....

that's it.

Now i wrote it i think that block is gone..:-) Was it the bloggers block ? I wonder!!

so here i go with my thoughts.

Office , phone, parties any chit chats now its talk about vacations. More than vacations its the spirit of going home. Back home. Vacations and going home are one and the same? Vacations and going to see some new places are one and the same? Vacations and siting at home is equal. Really i am not sure. Without dwelling on that let me get on to why one likes to go back home..I am not sure to talk about the generality. But i like to go home. Now where is home? My present home where all my present is is that my home? OR a place where my parents live is my home? Or where i spent my childhood days my home? Do i look forward to going back home coz of all that greenary,springs lake and nature? Or is it to see my relatives? Or i love to recollect how I spend my days growing up? Is it a sum of all these. If it was not my home will it hold a charm for me? this place which i dream to go back?

Will my children look forward to coming back to this desert on a vacation?
Will they have the same joy when thinking about their child hood? Will this country be their home? Will they be talking about the buildings and sand storms with the same passion i talk about my mango trees and streams?? I do not know. Will they think living in a four inch flat is heaven? Will they think having a back yard with a mango tree will be a mess? Will they think parents are meant to be at home only at evenings? Will they think a beautiful scene is a duplicate poster?? i do not know....
Will they think legs are only to be hanged from a chair? or hands are meant only for typing in lap top? will their eyes only see whats in a small frame? Will their friends be virtual with no body no hassles just a name and clicks away? Will they think human beings are a menace? Its better to chat than to talk? Will they think vacation means seeing us online?? i do not know...

But i hope days goes faster and i can go home

LISTLESSLY ABOUT WATER

2009-06-08T13:18:00.003+03:00

WHEN THE WATER IS DRUNK
DOES IT GO WASTED?

OR WHEN POURED ON THE GROUND
IT BECOMES USELESS?

IS THE WATER HAPPY WHEN ITS IN THE OCEAN
OR HAPPY TO ROAM THE SKY AS VAPOUR?

DOES IT LOVE TO STAY THERE
OR WISH TO POUR DOWN ON EARTH?

WHEN IS ITS LIFE COMPLETE
WHEN IT COMPLETE A FULL CIRCLE?

IS IT HAPPY TO CHANGE ITS IDENTITY
TO ENRICH ANOTHER LIFE?

LIKE A WATER
SHALL I FLOW FREELY
GO DEEPER
OR JUST EVAPORATE?

WROTE UNDER POETIC LICENSE

thus i live..

2009-04-23T11:18:00.004+03:00

oh...how does it feel when u are accused of curiosity...and time pass when u enquire of a friend or a near one. D o you think i love to hear u lament..that i advise u coz i have no other work?? Is that how u treat others when they share their sorrows to you. Or u think i am safe and happy in my world that i cant feel of your pain?? Do you always want me to speak your side..never pointing out where u slipped..what faults happened from u? do u expect a cheerleader from me. I am trying to help you..
Even in the midst of my peace and happiness i am troubled, i am pained..thinking of u. i silently pray to god to give you the happiness i enjoy.

hmmmmmmm.......

what more shall i add.

Again its a pleasant time.Seeing the birds chirping in the morning , the flowers smiling, the greenly leaves waving as i walk to my office. Being thankful that i got an opportunity to work amidst this beauty...in this dessert. I am greeted with good morning by the depressed looking cleaner boy. i wish he had some life in his eyes. a dream in his heart. he looks lost..withdrawn..as if nothing more to hope.
and i think..after all he has a job..and a place to go back for vacation..cant he be bit more happy. Any way you reached here ..now enjoy the time..Its easy to say. i know this new batch of cleaner boys have only joined. Fresh from their country land..missing their loved ones..from their eyes i am sure this is not the job they were promised..this is not the salary they were expecting...

i walk toward my computer trying not to dwell too much. What could Buddha do.. when he found the unhappiness surrounding him..preach and teach them to be satisfied with what they have... what else can one do. But the essence of life or the spirit of it in the present generation is fight and win ur worth...

subdued ..reminding myself ..that i am helpless i type my pass word and log into the world. I am no longer in dessert. From my childhood friend to my blog frnd whom i have never met..i start my life..contend..

The spirit and enthusiasm of the tea boy is catching. He gives a freshness to the office . An office ..where everyone is grumbling in spite of their fat salaries..All these years i couldn't find a single one happy for his present position. A job in this company is a dream job for an outsider..still those who got inside never happy..

May be they are..but the little bit of disappointment they have..they must be sharing with me.

Chatting with my collage friends i too join the crowd of depressed realising i have not reached anywhere near my destination..Call from my family brings me back to peace and happiness i enjoy..

I walk out to enjoy the next section of my life where i am the most important person in the world.

thus i live....some times happy some times sad..

Spring

2009-04-05T07:45:00.002+03:00

This time winter was short and not extreme.. after waiting... thinking every other day will be minus or below minus..we had to come to terms with the spring or early summer..Before, Spring just means something like jump..It never had any meaning for me as a season..Now i realise how beautiful a season it is. No extremes.. bit of everything..bit cold, bit sunny, bit dusty and sprinkling of rain.
I wish my life was too a spring.. a bit of everything..so that i can appreciate each of it.

then of the days gone by.. i had a guest..a whole family. its first time i am entertaining a family for a week. in simple terms let me say i like being a host. its better than being a guest.

As a guest i am always doubtful whether i am taking up the time and resources of another. Its better a host.Its in my power to make them feel comfortable.

I feel bit grown up playing a host. ( i am wondering..whether its the grown up feeling that makes my post look so dry??)

hmmmmm

it was foggy today.. i love that..a sense of adventure.not knowing whats beyond...then a little more drive and it was so sunny!

life back to normal..but an emptiness haunting...as if we are not enough...the space of the guest vacant..

its better to leave than to be left behind.

is it?

2009-03-10T14:40:00.003+03:00

i think the next generation will be born in a sitting position. the whole day, whole month whole year i do nothing other than sitting. morning getting up sitting in car, in office back home in sofa and to bed.

when we think deep we understand the pointlessness of life then how do we continue to live. after realizing the truth how can we still yearn for the untruthfulness surrounding us. what happens to the drive the urge to go forward. how can we still be foolish and be wise? is it the theory of those left behind or is the state of mind of those who won? for sure those in race have no time or space for such thoughts. realizations or the doubts or the search makes u want to be aloof but the bare necessity of human or any being is want. whether u know or don’t its simple u have to satisfy urn want.. the whole run is abt not to be short of satisfying the want. the want is a reality.frm the want of water to want of recognition is a reality . and unless u act it wont be satisfied. it gives u the power to go forward .. to know to act to make urself secure to create the cocoon so that want is always met.

whether life end or continued u enjoy life till u have a want and u are in run to satisfy it. once it ends the joy ends

mere wish

2009-03-09T11:48:00.005+03:00

u know what..some times i think my life was waste..no dreams came true.. and the most horrible part is i dont have dreams any more. but i discovered something. u can be a positive guidance to people who have dreams. u can hold some ones hands and lead them to their show. the only part that’s lost is i may not walk up there..but sure i can make many to walk boldly and reach their destination..isnt that a gift in itself. spreading positive energy.

thoughi have been warned not to make that wish list..though its not in my way to make list of things i would like to do..simply i thought to see what they are.

* my top most wish is to become part of university here and coach the student for a competition which i have participated long back.

* to be part of U.N.

* To be active member of charity organisation.

* to get involved in politics.

* to anchor shows related to human rights.

* to be a movie critique.

on more personal level i would like to study painting , swimming, dance and psychology.

on an adventerous level i would like to try various sports.

hmm i am sure none of these dreams are going to come true. and the main reason for that is these are mere wishes upon which i am likely to act or even put a small step forward.

its ok to wish right??

2009-03-04T12:59:00.002+03:00

there is so much injustice around me..i try my maximum never to brush upon any..i act blind when i see something..deaf when i hear...and paralysed when i have to act.i weave a cucoon and live inside..believing everything is alright everywhere.

tell me..what can i do if u cheat and walk away?? in words soo much in reality nothing much..

where does a persons right end? where does his duty starts? how much shuld he endure?

what more a women needs to be powerful? she has the gun,bullots and the strength..but when will she learn to pull the trigger?

the law , the society , u and me say..forgive ..carry on....and how long will we justify.

if i talk with no head and no tail..how do u understand...

how long i will let it be...

why?

2009-03-01T09:15:00.001+03:00

no sound..no stir..no waves..pot empty or full??

priority changed

2009-02-23T11:25:00.003+03:00

when i first came to office few years back i was given a cabin. It was sort of in the middle of the room. I couldnt see the sun or the little grass . It frustraed me. I felt like being in a cell. And i was not addicted to net. Those days my only prayer was to get a cabin near a window.

Now my new cabin has two windows. the sun kisses my forehead and sometimes burn my back. I can see the birds on the small green meadow.and What more i can see human beings passing by freely. I enjoy the rain, dust, thunder and lightning live.

But some where i got hooked to my pc. I no longer turn my head to see all those beauty. my eyes are glued to blogs , emails and latest news.

a thought.

2009-02-16T08:32:00.002+03:00

so its been loong ...there was no action which made a reaction that in turn made a post..welcoming the newyear and trying to search something new in my life the days went by and its feb now..then i fell sick . suddenly all those bacterias or germs or anti biotics or the pain..whatever it is made me realise how pleasant all those days were when i was healthy and fit. so i am back in circle appreciating the freshness of each day. thankful for being healthy.

and i am soo happy i saw one of my favrt blogger has added me in her list. first i couldnt believe..then it slowly dawned on me thats its my blog..

so here i am with all the happiness and spirit.

trying to hide my identity is frustrating me. i am not able to blog abt so many things which happens around me and in my life.then i am waiting . ina way its relaxing to blog this way..i am not trying to hide frm the world..just i would like to see the tiny bit small me apart from all the roles i play in day to day life.

these few days when i was silent there was two tiny thoughts going in circle. better to put them down so that i may be free.

one is lack of trust . we now a days or i now a days cannot trust people in a simple manner. when i go to doctor and he prescribes medicine i am not sure whether to have all of them..may be he wrote those medicines just to get a commission.. its weird earlier doctors word was law. we strictly followed it.

when someone phones me twice or is extra good to me all of a sudden..i start doubting his motive. i am sure he need some help from me. and worse..its always true.. so now when some one smile my brain will be racking what help they want...its not that i mind helping out.even if they dont put that extra effort i am happy to help them. but when they come with that offer for frndship and i fall for it just to realise that its for some help..i feel cheated. maybe its their goodmanners or my badmanners..anyway i prefer if someone can plainly ask for things.

( hmmmm but then may be ...may be ..may be.. i too do it that way when i want some thing frm someone???????????? )

ok now the second insight or what i may call striking idea i have developed is this man women thing. why god is always on men side. all the prophets are men. all impt gods are men..and the divine concept god made man first.and most laws favour man ruling and women .
Before i go on let me state ( what was i going to state???) that i am not taking sides.

u know it just striked me that all those stories might be true.god must have made man first. then as u know there will be some silly mistakes when u try it first time... rectified his mistakes and made a better model the women. i know this thought might not be unque still..( i feel i have read it before) my line of thought goes this way..we know how partial we are are to our first borns and always how smart the second one is.. the second ones are born smart..i feel.. we keep on favouring the first one make him the head of family the one to whom the other siblings show bit respect and all.....ok...that way might be god always favour his first creation coz he knows the second version is perfect and dosent need any extra protection.
god knows she is smart enough to take care of her self. he in his wisdom protects his first creation by making all the laws in his favour..

what an idea jiiii

my god promise i wont be back to blog world for a loong time..its hard for even me to read

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CHRISTMAS

2008-12-24T07:10:00.005+03:00

We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
And a HAPPY NEW YEAR.

eye sight is limited

2008-12-14T10:19:00.005+03:00

first writing was to let off..today i write so that i may keep. i am back frm vacation.a trip to dubai.and frm there to muscat. it was really refreshing. these are the times i feel poor..inadequate to expres what i feel.i enjoy dubai..like any other place i visit. then i enjoy everything. dubai is a place of growth ..a show case of human excellence..a current enigma which we can witness. truthfully i felt at home there.apart frm the striking buildings and the sights of crane and the construction of metros..i was at ease. the knowlegde that most of my frnds are now settled there increased my happiness. met few of my frnds after a loong gap. felt happy that they too still have the same warmth and love.distance and time lost its value when we shared our old times.
some smiles i collected way back has now become hugs with a promise to be shoulders to lean on. i am happy.

then i saw tare zammen per..i waited this long any way the movie was good. and i cried ..not for all those kids or parents..i cried for myself..

then i went to muscat. after reading tys on ice i wanted to visit musandam..remembering his funny stories and the way he counted seven when there was eight i made sure visa process went ok..:-)

really i was awed by muscat. mountains everywhere. i have never seen such a scene..not even in photos.it was always secenes of greenary or beauty of other kinds..but to be surrounded by mountains was something new to me.. we travelled far ..it was erree.. i couldnt imagine getting lost there.. i understood why people go to mountain tops or caves to think..how they might have become prophets or saints..

there was such a lot to write abt my feeling when i saw those montains..huge...full of them..diffrent shapes.. then patterns..some times identical..sometimes diffrent..
i wanted to get down and walk alone..i wanted to get lost.i wanted to wander...i felt afraid...how it would be to spend a night there alone..i know many would have done that.. may be its not a big deal..but for me.. oh.. i really wish i would spend one day there..alone..i will be frightened to death.. but i am sure i will survive..
i will be awake with fear.. i will feel and sense even the slightest sound and movement..

anyways safe in the car eating and drinking i am back home..

when i saw those mountains..i felt helpless..as if nothing can be done..but all those roads..all those civilisations..any thing is possible right..human beings..i felt proud to belong..

there was no roads over the mountains ( i didnt notice) it was around the mountains.

people generaly dont live on the top of mountains..they live on its sides ..down..

no matter how much u climb up..u have to come down. if u stay up..u get cut off..coz the generality is down..still like a mountain goat the erge of climbing is always there..its exciting..but coming down u loose grip.. :-) simple things..with lots of philosophy

even if u cant see beyond..there is a world beyond it..same like yours..blocked by the same mountain ..walk thru its side u will meet.

sea too looks like a pond when trapped between mountains..

world is beautiful and human beings .....

god u are simply great ok.

u know the mountains made me feel helpless..small .the raods made me feel superior and the car made me proud then stories of 'gonu' made me think of god.

terrorist attack

2008-12-02T08:53:00.004+03:00

simply one has to write..its only way to react i know now..to let out the feeling.
the terrorist attack is the current topic.

jumbled up thoughts mixed with numbeness, helplessness, shame . but fear?? i doubt..coz its no use.

a lost feeling. searching for a hand to guide. looking out for a leader to lead.

a question..? what to do? whats my part?
answer : mould future generation??

it has happened before..it will happen again..we are sure..but changes has happened..single men brought great changes..there is no more slavery..no more sati..india is free.. hitler was killed..so its possible.but someone shuld lead.

then why shuld it be another? why cant I?..NO we are just followers..There are only a few I capable of making us.. is it???

novelty of the operation bother us? we are used to bombings right? but not attacks? we are used to going to market or garden and never coming back right. we are used to sleeping in train and not getting up.

its coz of Taj? Oberon? Yes Taj do matter..like a human being it cannot be reproduced so quickly..

dont take me bad..i am in shock..confused..not sure of anything..

we die in mass in earth quake..in tsunami..heavy rain fall, poverty, sickness..without any reason..on road..on air
so here also death right?? its the same??

no.we die its for sure. but its our right to postpone it. no onehas the rght to force it on us. we are given a chance to live.we want to live it..

so what should i do? have a tea and write? cry ? vent my anger with words? pray??
protect myself with arms?? but that failed in other countries right?? it only leads to more anarchy??

i think i shuld get involved. i shuld get out of living MY life. i shuld know my neighbours. i shuld know WHY the strangers?? i shuldnt say politics..oo not for me..
i shuould make the noise. i shuld train my next generation . a teacher shuld do bit more than earning her salary. a mother shuld stop worrying abt earning more and spending it.. a mother shuld have time for children their thoughts and views. a father not a mere couch potato.. life is not all abt earning and spending.. and revewing..live it fully.

work is not just get our salary..there is more to it.understand it and do ur little part. dont be ashamed to standout coz of ur goodness or uniqueness. slowly they will follow u.BE the one to lead..in a small way. Dont become the generality.Have the courage to be laughed at.dont merely join the laughing monkey.

train ur children to lead..its only them we can mould in this big world apart frm us.
we indians are obsessed with serving..in various ways. and we give the role of leading to the fools ,liars and terrorist. we are not simply bothered..we say we dont have a choice..is it not our duty to provide a choice..we want to be safe in our house..and want others to make it safe for us..they too want the same..

the only people who nowadays act are the terrorist. their life is not worth living ..they kill and get killed simply for a belief..

and we?? we hide????? frm our neighbour ?frm the world? from ourselves.

is it?? i dont know..

like u i too am lost..but even if its a slow battle i hereby will go by the rules..question the simple things i find out of way..bend little strech a arm to give. give my life to save.(will i??)

here in this country i live i see the security measures. everything is checked. everyone is numbered. there is a accountability.India is a large country agreed. but each state is small then the district, the city the village..its been broken down right..frm the small units be alert..there is little the large picture can do.its the small ones that count. come down to deep root and correct.. dont cut the branches..its not enough.take care of the roots. its not easy..but thats where the solution lies.

mabe thats what gandhiji meant long back.

its one our frnds, relatives,our children whose ideas went wrong ,who got greedy who helped the system go wrong..maybe we did wrong in not giving them proper attention..
yes..in a way each one of us is to blamed..dont focus on shifting it.

is it pointless raving..no.its not..being aware of something wrong,identifying it and thinking to correct it..and CORRECTING IT ..is the way. terrorism disnt come all of a sudden. it was everywhere for long time..just it striked near this time. u cannot eradicate it with a few words or action. it takes long time and action..and every single one of us count in the process...in our small ways..

get up . be alert..dont brood..its time for acting..for being aware..for contributing..

half of my life i spend enjoying and watching..let the rest be dedicated to action.

## create leaders .

pearl

2008-11-25T13:03:00.005+03:00

I dont know how to swim.so..nor to dive..but coming into this blog world or cyber world..i get a feeling of diving and finding a pearl or two..what a feeling!!..here in this world u dont see the physical self..it becomes irrelavant. you just see the mind..have we ever seen the mind or thought ..or feelings..they never had a form..so i thought till i reached this blog world. here (sometimes) i see what goes behind a person..when he smile what he thought..to know the other you..

when i stumble upon a new blog which stunns me..i feel like the diver who got a pearl.(these phone calls interrupt my thoughts)

really ..it would have been a good post..but that trace of thought is gone..another day.

i am sure there must be lot out there to be read. i am happy there is something to be look forward to. before i used to ask what these people do before the computer? how can one make a frnd without seeing? now i strated seeing a bit of light to those questions. still i get out from my pc. converse with the real world. but the problem with the real world is that they are in touch with the immediate reality. they realte/or try to associate with objective things..things which can be seen touched. they care about u and ur near and dear ones. i am not saying that its not important or its unappreciated. it just that in the real world there is no space to let out ur orginal thoughts.those orginal thoughts should take a definite shape before it can be released to the real world. and truthfully in real life so many things requires our attention that we tend to shut the little other thoughts..
so am i saying whats written here doesnot have any connection with reality or real world.. no thats not. just..its a space to think over..a preparatory ground, a pause..

then

theres a a lot of thinking going on..is there any action?? on all thoughts one cannot act right? and..i cannot solve the whole puzzle..we do our little in the real world. help a deserving one..sacrifice a bit for another..then do our work so those dependend on us is not in need of anything..i understand my limitations. i try to do my bit. teach near and dears to do the same. to act i think we shuld see the immediate probs.. WE may look into the large picture while thinking?

interested in astrology ?

2008-11-24T10:46:00.000+03:00

Any one of you interested in astrology. One of my frnd is studying it. What she told abt me after looking into my chart was so accurate and correct that i was forced give some credit to astrology.

her blog http://notesonvedicastrology.blogspot.com/

Your thoughts and doubts are welcome. ( 2 her blog ok)

again simply..

2008-11-24T09:42:00.001+03:00

sometimes i think i am full of hooks. i like to be a free bird..or animal..anything ..ok a free individual..but the moment i start flying ( it was better bird) i get hooked. i hang on there..forgetting my plan was to fly..i hang on so tight that finally i fall with a large thud.. :-) yea..then i lie in pain...forgetting i was about to fly. i lie so listlessly that i get bored to death..so again i spread my wings all set to fly....to get hooked...to fall down in pain...and to fly... ho.every thing goes in circle?? no wonder earth is round!! from nonexistence..to a worm/germ/ sprout/ to baby/ to man/ to earth /to worm??????

hmmmmmmmm

have you been in the middle of aliens? attending a party? no...hmm ..me too no..but sometimes i feel that way here..another language..another dressing..diffrent mannerism...and i am in middle..laughing when they laugh..eating when they eat..and dreaming when they talk...

most of the time they might be laughing at me...who knows???

but really now i know what it is to feel like a fool..maybe what it is to feel like a alien??

thennnnnnnn

u know boss on leave :-) yea..so whos the boss?? me!!!!oh! yea really.

then...

what a way to write?? no one will understand..but u know its my wish to see my thoughts apart..like u may say (what to say??!!) hmm ok leave it.

.........

the sea is calm..sky clear..let me once more spread my wings.

frnds

2008-11-23T13:15:00.000+03:00

u know coming to this foreign land leaving behind everything i loved with just a promise of a new love i made a few frnds..to discuss what we left..to analyse present was worth..to look into the future together.

we used to meet happily , merrily..discussing nothing
we used to meet with kids stealing the show
we used to meet just to share a tea
now we meet with sickeness all around us

but let me be happy that still we meet.

silence?

2008-11-20T08:23:00.000+03:00

isnt there a middle way??

sky

2008-11-19T14:52:00.000+03:00

the sky..another fascination.it always make me think god has left it plain so he can paint his mood as he wish. like a clean board can be wiped.all the strokes we find it clear.may be he put it high ..so u just have to lift ur eyes and see his work.

i dont remember any of his other creation in which with a stroke he can change as he wish.that pure white sky..that deep blue sky..blue...what all shades of blue we find there.You just look up and u are entertained with arts..and what more it leaves space to exploit ur imagination. u can find all most all coloures there according to his mood..but not green..i think he has used up green in decorating the earth that hes in short of it..or he wanted sky paint to exclude green? or just fed up of using the same colour..anyways green and blue are his fvrt colur i think..so many shades of green and blue we find...blue and white combination..i think he prefers..and green and??? maybe green goes with almost all colours?
have i seen a flower thats blue like the sky..a sky blue flower??? i dont remember..
now our sea too blue..but like the green whichcomes new everyday blue is somewhat constant?? a blue back ground??sort of..yes shades of blue change..anyways..

let me say though sky has always captured my attention..its not till recently that the night sky fascinated me..night..i dont know maybe i was too busy with life to look up.. or was never alone to enjoy the show..it never striked any chord in me..till recently

late in night i was on the beach side trying to look far beyond the darkness just to be trafficed by the speed boats and yatchs and may be a ship..so i turned my eyes into the sky which was simply dark or black like a plain curtain.as my eyes were free it just roamed around the sky and faintly i saw a star twinkle. just for the fun of it i continued staring and to my surprise the sky was filled with stars and it was so beautiful. there are no words nor thoughts which i can explain my surprise for i was sure the sky was plain when i looked in.

like the daffodils which filled wordsworth mind in vacant and pensive mood the show of stars lifed mine and made me think a little more..
may be if we stare a little more..maybe if we wait a little more..maybe if we enjoy a little more..may be if we strive a little more ..maybe if we are patient..may be if we are persistent..
there is much more to life than we plainly see..

2008-11-19T08:24:00.000+03:00

deeply deeply i searched
for something to strive upon
but sadly did i found it
dry and empty.

sure i was
that it was full
suddenly it dried
leaving me fret.

knowing its better
this way.
still yearning
for a little more

some thirst never die
the more u drink the more u need
.

oh in office

2008-11-18T14:35:00.000+03:00

everyday to write something..i have thought...
what to write..
when each day is similar
when everthing is fine
what will one write upon

that boss of mine dominate my mind today.
with little work which i did on my owm
i hope i didnt tumble his ego down

however much i wish.
rashly do i act
just to get the thrill of
crying upon it.

now i spend my time
simply wondering
how he will react
on my impudence.

simply

2008-11-17T08:44:00.000+03:00

today what i have read engulf me..leaving me moody. suddenly i feel lost. not sure of my steps. but i only let my thoughts wander..hmmm ok..

let me ponder a little more for just the fun of penning down.
whats wrong and whats right in this short span of life?
its the angle you view that matters is my view then and now.
what is pain and what is love , does it matter when u in blaze.
to be consumed by passion, to live for the moment,
to revel in memory,to be left hollow...
is it not worth in this short span of life.

every touch leave a mark, every one say a bye..
rarely some one squeeze the heart ,
leaving the pain as a gift
is it not worth in this short span of life..

pity those whose never knew
what its to give and never receive
to live in pain is not a bane
coz then u live, not simply fade.

having penned just for fun let me say granny knows whats right.

poor

2008-11-16T08:58:00.000+03:00

i like abundence. and like all (most) i hate poverty. i like abundence ..coz it gives me freedom to select. it sets my mind free form attaining more. it gives me time to ponder over other things. it makes me confident of my steps.

and poverty i hate..poverty of words is the one i hate most. it shows my inability to acquire more. it shows i didnt care enough to collect more. it shows i have to do lots of hard work.

i simply love words. just like a painter loves his colours, a sculptor his work, a dancer his movements.. i love words..( though i dont come under writer category).
i like to read..to read those words..i like to ponder..those words..i carry it close to my heart and i sleep with it in my head.

i respect those good with their words. i envy them for their wealth. i am in awe of them. i try to associate with them in my heart.and yet i keep my distance coz i am poor.

i like all types of writing..the simple ones , the thought provoking ones, the romantic ones, the philosophical ones, the humorous ones, informative ones..everything i can say...

my mind and mood are modulated by what i read.i get carried away. till i take another to read i am suspended with thoughts of what i read before. some stays with me refusing to go away.then i make it part of me.

though i like all sorts my way of writing i may term mine as picasso style. a modern art. no one much understands. my thoughts unfiltered to writings...no grammer, no puntuation no adorns..just the way i think..i like it...simply like u like ur kids coz they are urs..i lke my writings..

my frnd reading my blog told..if u want ur readers to understand, appreciate and comment on ur blogs be more clear, specific and beutify it..it will be more communicative..it will help ur writing skills..

defensively i say..i dont write to entertain..i write coz i have to..i just want those thoughts out..i want to see them as words..if i pause to beuty, to moderate..( i cannot) it stops..i dont want others to appreciate my writing..i want them to see my thoughts..ponder over it..to see if any one else thinks the similar..i dont want to dress my thoughts..coz dress might steal the show.. ( i am poor i cant dress)

i admire and respect all who can dress their thoughts..present it well..reach to a large audience..

i am poor simply poor so i cant.

let me strive hard to dress my thoughts ..to present it nice ..to get a applause..

yes i yearn for it coz i am just human..

but till then let me just pen my thoughts..

silence

2008-11-13T10:06:00.000+03:00

silence when misunderstood. silence when explained .silence ..when its clear. silence when nothing more to say..

silence..the only hide out.the only place to hide..to think..why..i always hit the the bee hive? why i always stir the calm? why i wont let it be? why? why? why? why i always open the mouth then feel it was better shut....

why the overflow when i could be silent..

but rarely do i find a equal to break my silence..but i always end up doubting whether it was worth....i think too much of myself..my frnd rightly told..

nothing more..let me get back to the normalcy that surround me..the mornings the night..

2008-11-12T07:37:00.000+03:00

sun me

2008-11-12T07:24:00.000+03:00

Its 'fall' here. from a country where there is only summer, monsoon and humid..these climate changes were looked forward to with a wonder.and fall is the best season of all...sometimes i feel so..usually my opinions vary..still its fall now and i like it this time of the year. summer is over and winter looming around.
The best part is getting up in the morning and seeing that sun has not risen. and when it slowly comes its a beautiful sight..sky blushing red and sun peeping out..and really sun is so red as it’s so conscious of being late..its such a beautiful sight and it lasts maybe fiveminutes..then the whole drama finishes and sun shines brightly making me aware to get ready. in summer i get up at the same time..but by then it will be flooded with sunlight as if its noon and i feel cheated..in winter it will be still dark when i get out of my house..and roads so dim...i feel elevated..then on my way i can see the skin turning red and finally when i reach office the sun comes out..i love those winters..that chill when i wait on the road..those dark skies..that cold breeze on my face , the shivering of my jaws..the numbness of my fingers..my frnds pity me for getting up early..most of the times i agree with them or keep quiet but heart of heart i am glad i have to get up early..what all i missed all these years when i woke up late..here there is nothing to obstruct me from viewing my sun and the sky..no distractions..the plain roads..bushes on its side..dusty buildings..the same old scenes..no new bird will suddenly come..no new flowers will catch my eyes..no children might run fast behind me..nothing between my sun and my sky..

back home..i used to get up early lazily..but once out i used to enjoy the greenary..and bit of sun..to catch a glimpse of sun thru all those trees were bit difficult..it was like hide and seek..once i see him red and the next turn he will be white and gleaming..then he is so proud..i stop looking..but those greenery compensated for all those..

sound of the birds..dogs, cats( whether they make sound in the morning i don’t remember) those new greens on the tip of the trees ..those flowers on the road..sometimes make me think its my welcome message..those sudden rains..the roads bussing with human life..it was a different life..i enjoyed it but i enjoy my present too..when u don’t have a choice just enjoy it...its more easy that way:-)

then..i dont like to see the sun set..sun set is ok..but the dramatic setting i don’t like..with the sky bleeding and the sun slipping down..it pains me just to watch..some uneasiness..but if i am on the way..i just cant help it..to see all those sorrows spread..it makes me think some good is coming to end..some phase of my life ending...

does it need a title?

2008-11-11T13:36:00.000+03:00

what will i write today...nothing in particular..i chatted a lot..feel drained..one word keeps repeating in mind..actually one sentence . yes this also fom anothers blog..it just sticks unless i write it...ok so it was..will a tree make sound when it falls downn.. even if there is no one around to hear it..framed very nicely not like this..
why bother if it makes a sound or not if u are not there to hear?
sound u hear depends on how near or far you are?
tree bothers abt sound? it has to fall..it fell
did it make the sound?
cound came from creeking..tearing off ..or frm hitting the ground??

now u know i am really bored and have not much work..

anyways

will i write if i dont get comments..
i strtd it ..
wrote..
but when commnts came.. i was glad..

then...

does thoughts have gender?
or is it actions thats gender??

or gender defines action and thoughts?

there is just a generality...

or everone has 'unique ' trends

one shuld be always polite and agree?

calling spade a spade hurts?

yes it does.. i wuldnt want anyone to call me fool..coz it hurts to hear the truth.

words hurt?? yes it hurts more than anything..so one hasnt right to speak? yes one has.
where does one right stop and another begin?

is it better to be silent?

but then change u need..

constant only in death.

then

u live to die??

in a way yes..u live..if u are pious u believe to live carefully to good karma so that u die and u are free..and karmaless..

is that so? whole life tuned to death???

really..weird??

they say..live like u die next moment(?)

so if i die next moment may be next day or one week frm here..what things will i do?
what all will i arrange??

really me.. i am dying right why bother??

..i dont own anything..even if i..i die and the right terminates..
no one depend on me solely..even if they do...i die..no choice carry on..

ok its in realtion to others..what if i die what i want..never mind if had the means to achieve all those i want..why wait till i know i am going to die??

so even if i know i am going to die..i am just helpless..i am the same..maybe others if they know may shower me with love..( as they dont have to be bothered again wonderful)

oh my god really if u dont have any thing to write..just dont write ok.

why

2008-11-09T14:56:00.001+03:00

why is it that i feel i need more work more respo. when i am free, leisurely sitting and getting my wages. why is it that i cant sit back and relax? why is it that suddenly when i am loaded with work i start complaning but have that too good feeling at heart. why is it that i love adventures when life is so pleasant and happy..

why is it that i keep on coming back to blogs even after i finish reading those..

why is that i always feel a looser when compared to my dreams..

why is that i never try to find answers but keep on asking.

why is it that i try to understand 'chandrayan' economic instabilty , and world affairs when i dont have enough knowledge of running a house?

why is it that i never write down what i think those 'unique' thoughts but try to identify with everyone thinking me too me too

why is that.....

thoughts on blogs

2008-11-06T08:16:00.000+03:00

reading other blogs tempt me to write..as an extension of thoughts..maybe it serves as a prompt. comments columns are for acknowledgment, a pat or nod..but the thoughts that have arised shuld be put down...then another doubt ...will my blog end as an answering session...but then the blog has no definition nor does it have any restriction.

blogs an open space to shit and spit..others read it and say oh ! u also.never anywhere can we be so open in our protest, loud in our outburst and vulgar in our words.

blogs an open space to share and care. to say that me too! to get out of our blues..to get some frnds without gender , race and coluor..

blogs a place to understand we are just humans

obama -the president

2008-11-05T09:48:00.000+03:00

common mans lament to america

yes..another historic moment.a coloured is going to lead a country that leads the world.some timing of history is just great. like a well written script.the financial breakdown, the world hostility .. a point where no one knows how to take one step further..yea we wanted a deviation..something to put our hope upon..something to lookforward to. i think obama is the answer. its correctly said that timing is everything.obama stood for elections at the correct time..there was no other answer. whether he can change is another question..but the world got a grip to hang on..

never ever i can reamember reading or hearing of a country so much hated. what once we looked upon as freedom was termed as a synonm for pure lies for selfish goals. world stood terrified as america went on without bothering an explanation.which country next to be axed..our way loong ?was the question in all thinking minds..

obama hope u give us a break!!!

hitler was hated but not germany. but the simple word america these days filled us with contempt ..made us defensless..made us doubt on powers of law..abt the world opinion..and u gave Bush another chance made us think the whole country had one mind..we felt like fools.

obama ..hope u will be able to put back our trusts.

we trusted u with our finance. we followed u with out questions ..and u let it fail.
how could you..was it not ur respo to keep it staight.. to make sure bubbles are not forming..didnt u have duty to the world. yet i havent read enough criticm on u!!

we forgive you and we wait hoping u will pick up and lead..learning from the mistakes u made ... spreading good will..yeaa we wait.

reading abt Obama the attraction i found in him is the fact he was a constitutional law professor for a long time. it must have given him a definite idea of the good and bad in it. his coloured father, his remarried mother..his lack of a normal happy childhood hope will make him human enough to understand a common man .let the trust the country put on him give him super powers to lead.

Obama.. we applaud and are happy that u won.

rain

2008-10-30T07:43:00.000+03:00

yesterday it rained..there was thundering too..ho how much i was excited..to see those raindrop dancing on the floor..they too seemed so excited to touch the earth..ho it such a lovely scene..in this world where rains are rare its really a blessing just to see one.

i was so much overpowered with joy that i was at a loss as to how to enjoy. took a cup of tea and went out just to have that drizzles on my face. it was stormy..it was loud as if they were wild with joy.

as i cant paint , as i cant write i just went out and got myself wet.the breeze has turned wind and it was chilly ..my whole system shivered with the thrill of it. the whole way deserted me and the rain alone..ho..i understood how a common man enjoys .
i put my sandals into muddy water and let those cars splash over me.

i just looked to see why it stopped then i saw the rainbows shine.

hey u frnd u made my day with sreaming along with me..u screams made me sane..and we enjoyed the rainbow..you have brought the youthness back..you make me a youth again.

and u dear poet i really enjoyed ur poem on breeze.its a new of looking at it..ur words are sweet and simple.you make me look twice out to enjoy the simple pleasures of nature. you have that in you it to write..ur words are rhyming.pleasure to read.
u know me yet i remain unknown as u know only part of me.yes i am who u think i am and yet i am bit more than that.i look forward to the poet in u other things just fade away.

2008-10-29T09:36:00.000+03:00

i dont want myself to be identified with my blogs. the thoughts in my blog and me are two diffrent things.why so??i am thinking..i am comfortable this way..i want my thoughts to be there with out physical self..my physical self has a diffrent role to play in this world..and i dont want my thoughts to squeezed and into the me. i want the two of us apart. i want to look at my thoughts as a third party..and want u also do the same. why dont i keep the block restricted?? i want anyone intersted to have a look at them..to see if anyone care to respond..to see if those words strike a chord in any hearts. the physical me would like to have comments and appreciation..i write for my own fun..and i would like it be kept away from the smallness of my real life..hmm let us see how it turns out

habits

2008-10-29T09:15:00.000+03:00

they say ( i think they say) that man is a sum total of all his habits. knowingly or unknowingly we tend to get addicted to some habits..from brushing ur teeth in the morning to smoking and drinking i may say can be termed as routine or habits.i am so much against this. i don't like to be ruled by habits or routines. i don't like my days to be similar.there is little i can change in my day to day life..and i am the lazy one who doesn't initiate much. but i see that there is no fixed routine in my house. in my life. it depends on my mood. i dont need morning tea.there no fixed routines which if broken will spoil my day.some might call me lazy, unorganised..but what s the fun if all things are preplanned..u miss the hurry burry( whats that?) tension.

i admire people who think different. i admire those who fix to their routines. i admire those hardworking ones.yea..i admire all of u for ur different qualities.but there are some towards whom i look with a pity..those are the ones who cannot break free.. they are addicted..from a simple tea to the cigarette and alchohol they are addicted. they have have everything else..superiority of thought..( what else??/) any ways they are just slaves. their ability to think and argue make them and other believe that this simple slavery is their superiority. they look down on those who got Free from this addiction..they think they defy the world and its effort by choosing to be slave. they think its their choice to be addicted.to be mere slaves to alchohol and ciggarates..shame on.. to think u r diffrent!!!to think u can break free but u dont want to...

ok then if u can break free..

silence

2008-10-27T12:29:00.000+03:00

when some people are special in your life you want to give them special treatment.and in some circumstances you are prevented from showing your affection publicly.Though i cannot enumerate on the cicumstances or the reasaon for privacy there are some instances when i felt a need to show them that i care without being vocal abt it. the mode i chose was silence. and only with them i am silent. thats special right..according to my weird sense of reasoning it is. but will they ever understand. i know they must have searched the reason for my silence. they must have intepretted it in their own ways. but have they once realised that silence is full of frndship, love, memories and special regards for them.

certain circumstances force us to act strange. but we have no choice but to act..still heart of heart we hope those who know us would understand that there was no choice.

trusting upon all those good times we spent together i hope one day i might break my silence and explain.. (explain what? how???)will they listen then? will they still care? the pain i gave could be erased?

wish you all good luck whever you are and what ever yo do .

motivation

2008-10-23T13:31:00.000+03:00

I have been busy reading THREE Musketeers. I HAVE READ THE ABRIDGED VERSION WHEN I WAS SMALL.some how i never liked stories written from a french backgroud. it was difficult for me to fathom their culture and those names seemed so strange.After my visit to France i think i am more at ease with them.Anyways. this great book had me seated till its end. i have lost the sense of place and time. i'm still in that era which seems each day was an aventure.but still i could not miss the poverty, reslesness, unemployment of that era..which makes me to think world has not changed much since. :-)
but i doubt if men would go to such extremes for a womens love???in this era i meant. love also has become a conveinent mode product..there might be exception. but i am sure the general trend is not in favour of love. but in that man has lost his deep reverence for god, king or women :-) .What is the motive that drive our youth today? What is it that they look upon in life. i am not talking abt the extremists. i am just pondering or wondering about the general people. or all thru history the general people just flew with life? i have never met a person with a extraordinary ambition. everyone strives to do bit better in life. get a good position bit of more money and a retirement plan. thats the end of it. but what do i expect? that all men invent something? conquer the world? run around wild???

i have a week end to look forward to. i hope i relish the seconds before i let it pass thru me.

i would love if u could share ur ambitions.

blogs

2008-10-21T09:17:00.000+03:00

those blogs which i read are really great. its better than reading a novel or a story book.you never get to meet the characters in the novel..we dont know whether its imagination or real life situations..we are left with a yearning to know more abt their life. in reading blogs we know the characters are real. its like reading a persons diary..you get a glimpse of their life, their thoughts. and whats so surprising is sooo many thinks alike.( which i always thought was my unique thoughts)
the problems we face are so much similar and the way we react have also a bit of similarity. but the circumstances in which we go thru the probs are different. its like same issue being tested in diffrent atmosphere. i think in the future, blogs will be looked upon as a resource to history.it reflects the life of people. its the life itself. never in history men got such a chance for opening up. earlier it was thru letters and novels we came to know the life style of the people . now just read a blog. its a way of opening up, reaching out sharing..the world is just a finger tip away.and the best thing is its easy to disappear too..

2008-10-20T07:40:00.000+03:00

today i got compliments..and i was surprised. coz i didnt do anything to deserve them.if keeping silent means you are wise and intellect i am both. no wonder the people with whom i am frndly think me as a fool and "just a smile " section adore me.

in this part world expects my lot to be calm , quiet and silent. then we are given the title good and respectable.if we say hi, hello and smile they think we are abt to catch them or even matrimony or sex is in our mind. how stupid!! is there nothing called intellectual frndship of course with a bit of flirting if u want to say so..

thats one thing i miss...to discuss abt my books, my views, to update my thinkings , to argue on my version of things...

life has become so repetative with the same problems and same sort of happiness. even travellng has lost its charm as one is supposed to enjoy it quitely with out exploring.

i think or rather would like to think..an artist is the most blessed person in this life. when he sees beuty he can capture it in his canvas or may be create a tune to let out his joy or dance to express himself or write it poetically so others also can enjoy. the artist is capable of enjoying beauty and at the same time he has the ability to capture it and transfer it to others .

how a common man who lack these faculties enjoy nature? he just see..and has to come back taking a faint memory of it. dont u think its a bit unfare??

2008-10-19T08:49:00.000+03:00

one of my blog acquaintence has published a book. she says if u dream and work hard u will acheive. i have heard that inspiring words before. and so many times it has inspired me. now my way of thinking has gone further ahead . i think is it worth acheiving? what happens after it. it will also fade. then? new wish? another journey to reach there? can i take along my partners through out this jouney? what if their wish is something else..isnt better to be quiet and contend.

then i was wondering to how different people react to the similar situations. for some one the death of their near ones is a step forward in life. for me facing a near death situation taught me to slow down and enjoy the little pleasures of life.

but now i am re thinking..i am yearning for more action..i am thinking that i am wasting out my life..all those investments in me had gone wasted. yet i am in a confusion as to where to start what to acheive. then again ..just to do the immediate things i lag. do i have it in me to go ahead? to where??

history and common man

2008-10-13T10:04:00.000+03:00

when ever i read history, i used to wonder how it affected the common people. did they knew how impt one day that event will be. did they realise they are becoming a part of history..and i use to wonder how our times will be recorded. what will be the most impt issue that stand out.
As a common person whose life revolve around four meals a day and weekends i would like to ponder over the current world situation.

The one event that got engraved in my mind was killing of saddam. how all the rules and laws were kept aside and a country was torn into piceas. THE INTERNANATIONAL LAWS and rules were mocked of. that incident in my mind created an impression that hitler and germany could happen again. the whole world just kept quite to something it knew was not right. we use to think ooo its not possible for that to happen. but in this world anything is possible.

i think even the common man was aware of the unreasonable meddling of a superior state with another. there were rumours. i heard people talking abt it. it didnt matter whether they were literate or not..whether they were house wifes, beggers or a traveller.it didnt matter that their opinions didnt count..but they talked. they speculated and watched...and stood helpless witnessing the end. it was black day in the history.i am sure it will be recorded as a black day in the history of international law and principles.

now we are reading abt financial crisis.it was a thing thing i believed impossible. such a big economy crumble?? is it possible?
while visiting my native place i was shocked to hear the exorbitant price hike in real estate. then i remembered my economy class. after acheivng the optimum the curve has to decline. yes it cannot go further . and in my mind i was waiting to see how it will decline..of course there should be a limit right? and the way gas prices are increasing..the gulf countries dosent even know what to do with the excess money..now i have seen the melting of the economy. so this is how it is right???

so this financial crisis will be another lesson in history. i
am waiting to see the world impact .great i am living in a historical time. :-)

time

2008-10-12T12:40:00.000+03:00

my frnd has blogged abt time.
knowing time and its value we let it pass by us.
counting each day out.waiting for the weekends.
it was always a wait.
wait for the next thing.
as time cannot pause whats the use of wishing for.
as time cannot reverse whats the use of looking back.
with time we sail expecting the truth any second.
after the ultimate truth what it is?
time we have is the preparation of time beyond truth
is it so ? is it so?
no harm being prepared right?
better be prepared and loose the game?

wasting time is wasting life.. so truly said..what alas to be done..i let it flow by me.calmly watching the scenario.

.......lots of thoughts tumbled up..to straighten u need time. but is it worth the struggle is my quest.

thinking back make me think enjoying life is all that matter

the journey matters not the destination. does it matter how u travelled? how much u collected or how much you enjoyed??

questions questions easy to ask..answers answers inside you..so many so many inside you.the one you choose the defines ur life that s the simple truth of it.

dreams

2008-10-09T09:43:00.000+03:00

reading my blog reveals my thoughts. nothing there..just listlessly going on. to write u shuld feel passionate abt someting.or atleast interested enough to impart your opinion.in this calm flow of life there is only gentle breeze. no pebbles thrown by any to stir a wave. i should consider myself blessed then. but under this calm flow lies so much its better not to stir. let the sleeping dogs lie.

i have realised something recently. i was searching what was the change in me. now i understood . my dreams have died. it was not a sudden or tragic death. it died so naturally that i didnt even come to know abt it.once those dreams were gone i feel calm. as if there is no needd to exert anymore. i dont look into the future. there is nothing to look forward to. maybe death.how it will be when it will be.but then as i am not in control of it.why waste time meditating on it. yes thats my point.if i cant change it why brood upon it. that realisation was one of the ailments of my dream. i started realising i cant change much.

now my world is small. i am circled into a few thoughts. my wishes are few. health wealth, good ness to my near and dear ones and a happy life. but life is a struggle to acheive this small wish.

earlier i wanted to be so many.. a movie critique ,a person fighting for all injustice , a scholar who will make a diffrence in the world. i dreamed of fame and name. i dreamed of changing the world. i dreamed of my opinions creating a ripple in the world. i dreamed of my efforts being fruitful and the world being a better place for it.

those days i used to think everyone had dreams. everyone wanted to clim high. life was one for climbing. now i feel its one for floating..is it??

now i accept things. believe that nothing cant be changed and i am a nobody. the most impt realisation and the hurting was the one knowing i am useless too.

my frnds and family had high hope on me.one by one i ditched them all.
without even saying a bye i left my frnds. that was the only way i could part. with out giving reasons i fail to live upto my families expectations. and now in life i have resigned myself as a failure.

but i am happy.in my own way. i am in peace with myself. thankful to god for the blessings i have. when i see the pain around me i realaise i am gods fvrt in all sense.

people say meaning of life is finding the inner calm. maybe i have not mastered it but i am on its beach enjoying a bath..

r u all happy with your life ?
are you living your dreams?
did life turn out the way u wanted?

or as my frnd wrote..with out understanding urself , without probing too much u are also living simply?

nothing to do

2008-10-07T09:01:00.000+03:00

there is not much work in office these days. and at home also its sort of dull.not much happening. i am putting on weight these days. but its hard to control food.and the fact that i am not moving around much also helps in weight gain. recently i saw some of my frnds snaps.they look exactly the same maybe younger . time has not touched them much and their face still has the glow and excitement of the youth . and their body has not stored laziness in the form of fat.no way i can relateto them as my class mates. how i have changed..but there was not much option. and no will to fight off those fat blABS.

in collage we had written something on how nice it would be to have wings. but now i am sure even if we had wings we wouldnt be using it much. just like we dont use our legs to walk or move our body to work..the wings would have been useless. and if some one uses it..then also how awkward the sky will look ..as such the earth is full of human beings and traffic everywhere.its only the sky towards which we can gaze and day dream of or let off the stream..good we dont have wings

i think i belong to the cow category..there is never a moment my mouth is free.its always chewing.earlier it was the mind which was busy brewing with thoughts . now it has gone to sleep like a polar bear. one day it might wake up..till then my mouth is busy keeping the system cozy.

i think romance and creativity go hand in hand..if not romance then u should in love..further thinking it can be in love with any thing..with your work,or in general with your life..i have to admit the truth that i fallen out of love.

work calling...

eid

2008-04-13T11:41:00.001+03:00

holidays are over..looking back i dont know how time flew..a visit to few huses and once to beach and one fight its time to come back to work.. why i never get time to do the things i want..is really a mystrey..the key is to be organised but i am still searching for it.

:-)

boring

2008-04-13T11:36:00.000+03:00

i have heard of killing time. but have not realised how hard its to kill time. ( for the real lazy ones i mean).it was a slow transition..from a hyperactive person i have now settled as a good for nothing.. and easy this way no tension nothing to live upto just admit the truth.

2008-04-13T11:33:00.000+03:00

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2007-10-18T09:54:00.000+03:00

boss

2007-10-18T09:39:00.000+03:00

oh! suddenly i think i am inspired ..hmm its about this boss of mine...not boss yes u can call him boss..he tells he has given me something to file and cannot find..i search the whole office thinking its my mistake( coz i always make mistake) then he tell its ok leave it..but the truth is it will be on his table...and he didnt see it..but he will not admit it...not even acknowledge but simply say its ok leave it as its a favour he is doing for me..but i never raise any objection..if he want me to leave that then why worry whether he got it or just i quit searching...but sometimes it hurt...

the reason i never object is when i make a mistake he is very cool with me..he never raise his voice..or accuse me of carelessness..so i should do the same in return na? then why it hurts me i dont have any idea...i try my maximum to avid any defect from my part...but some how when i submit there will be a glaring mistake there in front of your eyes..even after cross checking it i miss it...

thats my case..i do everything carefully...but the result will be i would have forgoten the most important thing..now in what i have typed there will be lot of mistakes..i may check it and post and once posted then i will see the biggest error... i am so used to this habit of mine that i got used to it..i dont bother to change now( bad of me..shame..i know)

sg i know you may be thinking of friend spell na..hihi

ho..tired

2007-10-18T09:17:00.000+03:00

nothing inspiring comes to mind..but what can one expect when having a black tea with no sugar..and salt biscuits...but at least i started a blog..congrats..lazy people like me can atleast do this much great effort keep it up..its been a week i am on a project..instead of doing it i an reading blogs....atleast i am not sleeping or chatting..i am reading something..making myself aware of new things..ok so iam fruitfully employed..here the climate is good now..the ferocious sun has cooled down and winter is one month to go..so best time..but no use for some one who always spend time indoor its all the same...the ac controls the temperature..but then the travelling part will be pleasant..
the teas didnt come back from vacation..but i dont miss him..its always pleasant to see new faces..but will the world consider my absence in the same way..then i may be hurt.
to read editor bob frm 123 cards is great...atleat something to read when i open the pc
again the one who used to send me forwrds have gone on a leave ..no wonder i started searching for something and ended up blogging...
thanks to ps...( i simply cannot rememeber names) she replied to my comment and i was inspired..how such small things motivate you..thank you..

actually it was one of my school friends blogs which got me interested in blogs..that was in yahoo 360..and this ps inspired me to write one of my own and she is in this one so started blogging on both..but the probs is no idea how to link them to mine add friends etc..but there is time ..so for the time being i am not panicking..

for an introduction this much is enough i think..
after all i stated blogging just to write what ever comes to mind..but hihih nothing is coming..so i think i better stop this blah blah..and wait